Detachable Arms

I slept funny last night. Not funny-funny-ha-ha, like once when Sara and I were sleeping in the same bed, and she woke me up snickering that I was sleeping with my legs crossed.

Funny-funny like I can't move my neck today, which is going to look odd as I sit through my interview tonight at 4, hungover and talking to some firm that won't hire me.

I've noticed recently that when I sleep, my arms get in the way. I want to be able to take my arms off when I sleep, so that I can lie in any position I feel like and not have to worry about what arm hurts and what arm is asleep. Spooning. There's another activity where arms are just NO GOOD. I can't maintain a spoon position for more than like 3 minutes before my arms are numb, and my shoulders feel like I'm a spatchcocked chicken. Granted, sometimes, when spooning turns into "other things" it might be a minor pain to put on my arms before gettin' to it, but that's an inconvenience I'm willing to put up with. Also, having no arms makes for awesome hugs. When I was in high school, I once pondered the "armless hug." This entailed me wondering aloud, "How do people without arms hug each other?" I grabbed a nearby friend, commanded her to hug me without her arms, and the result was the armless hug, hugging with the chin, really, and not the arms. It was quite beautiful, in an awkward sort of way.

Now don't get me wrong. I love my arms. I would be devastated if anything ever happened to them... but sometimes... they... JUST GET IN THE WAY.

So I want to be able to take them off right before I go to bed and then, hook myself into them when I need them again. And I want my real arms. Not hooks. And not those plastic weird prosthetics that move with batteries that are all-the-rage nowadays. My arms. I'd have a little armstand next to my bed, and I'd just insert my shoulder, and pop! The arm would come off and stay in its case for safekeeping overnight. On nights when I was drunk, maybe I'd forget and go to sleep with my arms on. Or maybe I'd throw my arms on the floor like I'm apt to do with my clothing when I'm wasted. Whatever. The bottom line is that it's all my arms' fault that my neck hurts today, and I resent them. Even though they are helping me type this blog.

Having no arms would also come in useful at other times... like walking down Lincoln Road - I wouldn't have to bob and weave as much if I just had no arms to bump into people with. I would just coast along, smoothly and armlessly. It could get to be a problem if I wanted to go shopping or answer my phone, but everything is a trade-off, right?