Dear old guys that hang out in the doorway:

Hey Howie Cohen, Richard Meltzner and Steve Landow (all names are invented by yours truly and are in no way intended to be an actual person; rather, a stereotype.) -

What are you up to lately? Howie, from the looks of things, matching blue felt jackets with grey wool pants! A daring move, may I add, for a man with a 50 inch waist! I tend to like to dress up more when I'm going to Motion Calendar, but I know, I haven't been practicing for 30 years, and this is all new to me...so I still care a little bit about how I look.

Steve! I like your tasseled loafers! Yours too, Rich! Impressive ear-hair growth, Steve. You're really getting into that 55-year-old lawyer part, aren't you?

Oh, you guys are just standing in the doorway of the Judge's Chambers, having rusty awkward conversation, showering the carpet with coffee spittle and errant nosehairs? Mind if I join in?

So, Howie - I haven't seen you down at the club lately. What? You don't like to go for a nice schvitz anymore, so you can hang out in your towel, with sweat dripping down the crevices between your boobs and your chest, with all the other aged, hairy, yellow-toothed ,men with salt and pepper hair, and tomato-red, shiny scalps? Whaa? Yeah, me too, me too! A zoo! I tell ya, Well, I've been representing these banks that have all been bought up by Bank of America, and I'm trying to sort out what's going to happen with their small commercial lending departments! But that's boring talk! Let's stand around, and repeat things twice in conversation! Things like "Times they are a-changin, I tell ya, times, they are a-changin'!"

Hey Rich - nice move there, totally ignoring that young female attorney who just needed to get through the door because her case was called for hearing! I'm going to have to remember that move...you know, pretending like you didn't hear her say "Excuse me, Sir," twice, before squeezing between you and the doorframe, brushing up against you, and subsequently stumbling as a result. Sweet ass on her too, huh? Yeah, you remember those days? Eh? Wild times! Did you see the ass on that young attorney? She sure grants my motion for Enlargement! Nice gams too... Hey, did I use that piece of outdated slang for a sweet dame correctly? Sly!

And Steve, I haven't seen you since we tried that Toxic-Tort Case about the Cruise Ship Baby's Mother who died after she got a UTI on the ship! Remember how hard it was to schedule that Captain's deposition! And that opposing counsel, what a nutjob! And in the end, we got that JNOV? I tell ya, inflation these days! With the real estate prices!! First piece of property I bought was in 1979, and the next year it doubled in price! I'm trying to get into the foreclosure market down here...lots of speculators that are going to lose their shirts!

Oh, hold on, I have to step aside, because the Bailiff is trying to go out into the main corridor to announce other cases that are up for hearing, I just have to make some stilted conversation with him for a minute, so I feel like I'm conversing with the "commonfolk," you know ::whispered:: non-attorneys?

Full Calendar today, huh? Fuller than Marlins Stadium that time we won the World Series! Heh-heh-heh! Yeah, you bet! Hey, what number are we on now?

Oh, I'm 20... I guess that means I could go downstairs and take care of that other motion I have pending. I scheduled two at once, to inconvenience the maximum numbers of opposing counsel, and it makes me sound like I have a lot of important things to do, and am so capable and accomplished, that I can hold enough in my head to argue two different motions on two separate cases...

Well, listen, guys, it's been a pleasure standing here, talking about stiff, awkward stuff, that gives us our well-deserved reputation for being boring, arrogant and crusty... and I gotta say, we should stand in this doorway more often during a busy motion calendar, so that we can impede as many people as possible from getting into and out of chambers. I know, tripping and blocking attorneys trying to do their jobs is a great time!

You guys take care!