Hey Miami Herald - Get over it.

So, earlier this week, a Senator or something called Miami a Third World Country.

Y Ay, dios mio! Miami is in a fluff. Boy, oh, boy! People are mad as heck! Other people are also calling Miami dangerous! Crime infested! Taken over by immigrants!

And the people that say such things are 100% correct.

This place is a dump and a hellhole. Yeah, we have beaches and warm weather. Big effing deal. I've never professed to love Miami and I never will. I applied to UM as a safety school, and when it proved impossible to get into any of my "real" choices because everyone applied to law school the same year I did, I begrudgingly (very, very begrudgingly) moved down here.

"IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, MOVE!" Yeah, fuck you. I'd love to move, but I don't have the energy to work 11 hour days and then come home and study for four months for a two-day test. Kiss my ass. Moving isn't easy for lawyers. I'm living here, essentially as a prisioner of a decision I made five years ago, and extracating myself from this scenario is not as easy as it would be for, oh, ANYONE WHO ISN'T A LAWYER. [OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: I DO HAVE SOME WONDERFUL, FANTASTIC FRIENDS WHO HAIL FROM DOWN HERE, AND WHO DO NOT FIT ANY STEREOTYPE OF MIAMIANS. I AM THRILLED TO HAVE THEM AND LOVE THEM DEARLY. I'M SPEAKING IN GENERALIZATIONS ABOUT THE DOMINANT ENVIRONMENT AND MENTALITY.]

So, I'm here, and I grumble. Because, truly, Miami is a terrible place to live. It's stratified (UBER Rich zipping their Bentleys and 200 foot yachts past Haitian crack addicts, on their way to a $3,000 meal.) it's plastic, it's dirty, it's corrupt, it's overdeveloped, but under-infrastructured, its expensive for normal people, and getting moreso every day and, yes, it sucks to live here. Great to vacation, sucks to live.

I have no civic pride for my current domicile. I'd gladly trade in year-long nice weather for proximity to varying types of geography and topography, like I'd have if I lived ANYWHERE ELSE. I'd give up the beaches for museums, and cultural activities that I deemed enriching. And one day, I will. I would never raise a kid down here - I think it's completely irresponsible, and will likely result in your raising offspring that are plastic, greedy, selfish, assholes, with no concept of other people in the world. Because that's the culture down here. As far as I'm concerned, after I've packed my last box, I won't be sad when this city is under 20 feet of water. Good riddance to bad garbage.

The Herald, however, was EXTREMELY offended by these hits Miami has taken. And in true Miami Style, it wrote an incoherent article about all the plusses about living in Miami. I think my favorite is that if you're going to have to wait for a drawbridge, wouldn't you rather it open for a Yacht on a Breakfast Cruise, than a Garbage Barge? Personally? NO. I'd rather know that I was delayed because tons of waste were being carted out of my city, as opposed to being delayed because a millionaire wanted to eat breakfast on Biscayne Bay.

Check out this poorly-written article with sixth-grade analysis here, from the Miami Herald, a "Pulitzer-Prize" caliber shining beacon of journalistic 1) integrity 2) reporting (Yeah, right.):

What is it with haters and Miami?

Time magazine this week wrote that our area's luster has worn thin, partly because it costs too much to live here and partly because traffic is bad.

Rep. Tom Tancredo, R-Colo., whose own state's population reportedly includes as many as 300,000 illegal immigrants, recently labeled Miami a ``Third World country.''

And Australian filmmaker George Gittoes has made a documentary declaring Miami more dangerous than Baghdad. Did we miss a few car bombs in this neck of the woods?

So the cost of living is rising in Miami, a growing number of residents speak English as a second language, and some neighborhoods have violent crime problems. Which one of those things doesn't apply to every other major metro area in the United States . . . including Denver, which is next door to Tancredo's home in Littleton, or New York City, home to those pundits at Time?

It is true that driving on Miami's highways can turn you into a rageaholic, and rising property taxes and home insurance rates have left many of us convinced that a gourmet meal is getting to pick which flavor of ramen noodles to eat for dinner.

But enough is enough.

In a letter to Tancredo, Miami-Dade Mayor Carlos Alvarez wrote, ``Your elitist attitude is contrary to the tenets upon which this great country was founded and detracts from meaningful discussion regarding the problem of illegal immigration, a cause you profess to care about.''

Of course, Tancredo should care, considering that Denver, Boulder and Pueblo, among other Colorado cities, have declared themselves sanctuary cities for illegal residents.

Not every government official -- present or former -- from cooler climes is down on Miami.

Donna Shalala, president of the University of Miami and former secretary of Health and Human Services in the Clinton White House, loves it.

''Five years ago, I moved to Miami. I found a community with open arms, warm hearts and a generous spirit,'' Shalala said Thursday. ``It's an incredible place to live and work and play. I can assure you that no one cherishes America -- and all that it represents -- more so than the many people of diverse backgrounds and cultures who call this place home.''

What Time, Tancredo and Gittoes don't get is that to judge Miami properly you have to be able to discern when the glass is half-full and when it's half-empty.

These latest Miami bashers seem to only have access to half-empty glasses.

Half-empty glass: Miami-Dade County's homicide rate has risen over the past year or so.

Half-full glass: Most of Miami-Dade is very safe. Sadly, the vast majority of violent crime in Miami-Dade takes place in just a few of the county's 123 ZIP Codes -- not unlike the way of life in most urban areas.

Sure Miami has its problems, but to counter filmmaker Gittoes, Australia is no land of Oz, either. According to the Australian Institute of Criminology, domestic violence there has increased steadily since 1999, and physical assaults increased from about 550 per 100,000 people to more than 800 per 100,000 between 1993 and 2005.

And Tancredo's Denver? According to areaconnect.com, that city saw 795.7 violent crimes per 100,000 people in 2004. The national average that year was just 554.4 violent crimes per 100,000.

Half-empty: Time magazine says ``on many mornings, rush-hour drivers on packed causeway bridges between Miami and Miami Beach have to idle their engines a bit longer as the drawbridges raise for yachters on their breakfast cruises from nearby celebrity islets.''

Half-full: The alternative is idling your car engine on a rusty bridge in the Northeast while waiting for a garbage barge to pass by.

Which view would you prefer?

Half-empty: There are lots of ultra-expensive condos taking up ocean views in Miami.

Half-full: We have easy beach access regardless. Of course, you can get the same access in the Northeast -- but for six months of the year you'll be too bundled up against the cold to enjoy it.

Half-empty: As Time pointed out, some Miami neighborhoods are still segregated by ethnicity.

Half-full: That's also the case with dozens of major metro areas -- including Milwaukee, Cleveland, Detroit and New York. And in some places all that means is some people want to live next to folks with similar backgrounds. It wouldn't make a good Benetton commercial. So what?

And where geography is concerned, let's face it, Miami really is the Gateway to the Americas. You can catch a boat or a plane out of here to any and every country south of the border.

Colorado does get some points. It is the gateway to Utah and Wyoming.

The diversity, the culture, the exotic food flowing into Miami? Only a Disney theme park could match it. Can't remember the last time Vegemite was on the menu of any reputable Miami eatery.

But seriously, the difference between most of us who like it here and our city's out-of-town critics is we understand that every vibrant, growing place experiences growing pains and we struggle to improve.

But we can still appreciate an area's good points and potential -- even if that place is Australia, Colorado, New York or anywhere outside of Miami-Dade County.

(Miami Herald staff writer James H. Burnett III moved to South Florida about a year ago from Milwaukee. He's quite happy to have traded winters along Lake Michigan for the neon of South Beach.)

*** My Side Note: James H. Burnett III -- please see me in two years to discuss your opinions then.