I'm a little slow today. I just switched to Sanka. So...have a heart?

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Dear Broward County Courthouse

Dear Broward County Courthouse:

I forgive you for being confusing... but that's only because I've mastered your system now, to the point where I can maneuver through your maze of buildings, connected only on certain floors, with Departments in limbo (no way to get to them from inside the building, rather, you must go outside and walk around the building to get to them) -- hell, I gave two lost people directions today! That made me feel good.

What didn't make me feel good, and what I'm working on forgiving you for, is being unacceptably hot.

You're like a steam room.

Your regular employees... are wilting. And so are your lawyers. So much for ironed shirts.

Um... I realize there's a "water crisis" and blah-blah-blahdy-blah blah, and that air conditioning systems use water yhadda-yhadda-yhadda, but... c'mon.

The lawyers in the building are running around in suits and ties, carrying heavy redwells full of heavy paper... AND THEY'RE STRESSED. THEY'RE RUNNING ON ADRENALINE, WHICH RAISES THEIR BODY TEMPERATURES!

And everyone else... eh. Let's face it, I really don't care about anyone else but myself, so why make any pretense?

I guess the point I'm trying to make is, does it have to be 85 degrees inside with 78% humidity?

It's so hot, the booze-stench of the criminal gallery spectators lingers well after they've watched their loved ones lead away in shackles and decended what I like to call the "Escalator of Broken Dreams" from the second floor, to Room 130.

I left Court... drenched. Not from stress. From walking and from the fact that it feels like a Turkish hammam in your "venerable" corridors.

Seriously - the afterbooze smell alone should make you want to do something. Are you proud to have a Courthouse that smells like a Bar at 9:47 in the morning? I daresay if you wicked some of that exhaled alcohol out of the air with AIR CONDITIONING the problem would likely go away... unlike that problem you guys have with sewage pipes bursting, but I digress...

And FURTHERMORE, many of the people working in your building are JEWS! We're a sweaty people! Victor Tobin? Jewish! Dishowitz? Jewish! Eade? Possibly Jewish! Trachman? Probably Jewish! Jew! Jew! Jew! And don't get me started on the attorneys! JEWJEWJEWJEWJEWJEWJEWJEWJEW.

We run hot, the Jews. We need the A/C. When Jews get hot, they get cranky, and sometimes, they plotz. I don't like cranky judges, and I don't like plotzing.

You don't want people plotzing in chambers. And you certainly don't want attorneys dripping all over the Court files. (Sorry I made the Order I was bringing to the Clerk's office a little soggy. I was hot.)

You're a public building. I know you have to "save costs" and "do your part" but do it some other way, huh? Motion sensor lights? ... ... .... that's all I got for you.

But for the love of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, TURN UP THE AIR CONDITIONING.

Respectfully submitted,



Blogger Rootietoot said...

Is there a better word in the world than 'plotz'? No? I didn't think so.

4:17 AM

Blogger SuperBee said...

Geschuchte? (Pronounced Geh-SHUCHH-ta). It means "ordeal."

Like, "Getting a Brisket from Epicure on erev Yom Kippur is such a geschuchte, Miriam just got an Empire Chicken from Publix instead."

Or schvitz. Which is what I do in the Broward Courthouse.

6:26 AM

Anonymous Squathole said...

I always liked "gavone." Oh, wait. That's Italian.

Here's a radical alternative to cranking up the AC. How about relaxing the dress code? Lose the ties and jackets and nylons. Open shirts, loose pants, comfortable shoes. Any lunkhead knows you dress for the weather -- any lunkhead outside Florida, anyway.

I'd also suggest opening the windows, but my guess is that typically, those windows aren't made to open.

For the record, I've lived in south Florida for 23 years without air conditioning. None. My house doesn't even have one.

And as Harpo Marx once noted: "To sweat is a gift from god. It saves me the trouble of pissing."

6:36 AM

Blogger SuperBee said...

Squat - there have been calls to relax the dress code in Court in Florida.

It's not going to happen, though, I don't think any time soon. Although I will say that in Broward, I've seen attorneys go into Court without ties on, in pique polo shirts, which to me, is a grievous sin.

I don't think the windows in the building open... even if they did, downtown Ft. Lauderdale is HOT.

As to your last comment, that you don't have a/c... I'm speechless. My a/c broke during finals first year of law school for two weeks, and it was, unqualifiedly, the worst two weeks of my LIFE.

How... how do you do that?!

7:29 AM

Blogger Srcohiba said...

this was funny. Damn, now i'm in the mood for the brisket special at the marina deli on 17th street

8:35 AM

Blogger SuperBee said...

SrCohiba - I'm avoiding delis for the next week, as I am sitting shiva for the loss of Rascal House. But I could totally go for a brisket sandwich as well.

Ooh, or pastrami on rye with mustard.

And a half-sour pickle.

9:12 AM

Anonymous Squathole said...

'Bee: When you think "attorneys' dress code," think "Fred Haddad." I don't think the man even OWNS a pair of socks.

As one who spent far more time in Carnegie Deli than Carnegie Hall, I feel your deli-loss pain. What I find mysterious is, with all the Noo Yawk Jews in this area, why are the delis so lame? Rascal House wouldn't have been able to keep its doors open in the NE. Last half-decent deli I visited was Herb-Ets, in Doral, now gone. I've given up.

11:18 AM


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