I'm a little slow today. I just switched to Sanka. So...have a heart?

Monday, May 01, 2006

Highway Post II

I don't tailgate... unless the person REALLY deserves it. I try not to, because if there's one thing I don't want to do, it's die in a firey ball of fire. Also, if I got into an accident, it would increase my chances of 1) losing my teeth (scared of that) or 2) being a cripple ("disabled") which would also make me super depressed. I am, for the most part, a good speeder. I try not to come up on your ass and swerve over at the last second. I try not to tailgate. But if you are going the speed limit in the left lane, and I've been behind you for more than 20 seconds and you make no effort to pass the car next to you and get over or get the fuck out of my way, I'll get annoyed. And you have a minute of annoyance before I start flashing my lights at you.

And I'll never do anything tooooo dangerous, because, like I said, I don't want to be ugly, and I don't want to die, but... after a minute of you holding me up unnecessarily, you become a bad person. Pay attention, share the road, and stop inconveniencing other people. At the same time, STOP PLAYING ROADGAMES.

People get bored when they're driving looong distances down, say Alligator Alley, or 75, between Naples and, oh, Bradenton, and they play these great games keep themselves interested, and to awaken the vehicular manslaughterer in all of us.

The game I found myself playing was (and when you're reading this, the "I'm" is the other driver, not me, I'm "you." Don't worry, that'll make sense...now.) "I'm driving 70 in the left lane (the speed limit) but when you pass me on the right, I'll speed up to 100 miles per hour, and then, once you finally pass me, either remaining in the right lane, or getting into the left lane, passing whoever I'm riding side-by-side with in the left lane, and and getting back over into the right lane, because you're a good driver, I'll speed past you, and pull in front of you in the left lane, and then go at whatever speed you're going, so then you're forced to step on the gas AGAIN, to try to pass me so there will be a gap between the cars so another person can pass us if they want to, and then I'll speed up, so you can't. And then, you'll get pissed, and go 1oo to 110 for a period of time, lose me pull off into the right lane, go back to cruising 85 again, only to have me reappear and pull the same bullshit over, and over, and over again."

Honestly? Why do people do that?

I just want to go 85 mph, and zip along my merry way! I don't care if you pass me! You have places to go. I understand. I would, however, appreciate the same courtesy extended to me.

Along those same lines, why do you accelerate up to racing speeds, only to ensure I can't get past you, if you're just going to decelerate down to the speed limit again?

You're a bad driver, and if I had a gun in my car, I would shoot you, crappy Black Nissan Sentra, stupid White Mustang, Stupid 1995 gold Camry with the "VIVA BUSH" sticker on the back, and stupid White Ford Explorer with the Fire Fighter sticker on the back.

I'm a good driver. Know how I know? Because for most of the trip down, I had a rich-looking guy and his rich-looking wife in her rich-looking straw hat, in their Audi convertible following me. Maybe it was the cammraderie of having German cars on a road full of American cars. I don't know what it was. Alls I know, is that this guy would practically KILL other people and cut them off, just to follow my driving skillz. In the beginning, I thought he wanted to pass me, but enough times pulling off to the right to let him pass, and him following suit, and staying behind me, made me realize he was in love with my driving.

I was not, enamored, however, with how sometimes he would almost rear-end me, to cut someone off so he could follow me. That got a little un-nerving.

And also, once his wife's hat blew off because he was speeding so fast to stay with me.

I don't know. It's like... what's with the ego on the road, huh? I want to go fast, and you're in my way. If I pass you, it's not that you're a bad person, you're just going too slow. I have my speed and you have yours. To each their own.. until you take affirmative and dangerous steps to keep me from getting away from you.

Do you enjoy having other people hate you? Are you trying to cause road rage?

What is it, about my passing you, that you take so personally?

And why the fuck do you have to drive in the left lane for the entire trip, huh? There are two lanes, and yes, I realize that easing the wheel slightly off to the right requires a little effort, but like... GET OVER AND LEAVE THE FUCKING LEFT LANE CLEAR. That's what the Germans do, and I have NEVER been on better highways in my life.

Swallow your fucking pride. Your car is a piece of shit, and, judging by your driving style, so are you.

I think I'm out of attention span again... but yeah. I don't like sharing the road when the people I'm sharing with are assholes. Going fast doesn't make me an asshole, if I do it safely. Going slow, or fast, dangerously, as people are wont to do down here, does, however make them assholes.

And for this post, I want you to imagine that I said the word "assholes" with a true Mid-Atlantic accent: "Aecehohwe."

"Yer'n aecehohwe. An' aecehoh who ain't got nay clays owen. Why arn'cha waerin' nay clays? Arya warshin'em inna zink, cuz yew ain'got nay warshnin' muhsheen? Ah memmer when we wen' danna Hutzler's...er was it Haeschel Kane (Hotchschild Kohn)...er was it Hecks? Nay madder, when we wen' dan taen'na Harrd streeta buy are new warshnin' muhsheen...whoo. First people ownna blockta get one. Wern't we da' kingsa A'Donnle street back' en!"

Interesting way to end the post aboout bad driving... writing in Baltimorese about going to Howard Street to the Great Defunct Baltimore Department Stores to buy a washing machine...

Maybe I should lay off the crack.

2 Comments:

Blogger Rootietoot said...

Ok. Breathe. I think the antibiotics are getting to you.

I love NASCAR (ok yeah I have hick sensibilities. Sue me) and I absolutely positively LOOOOOVE driving the Atlanta Perimeter at 110 mph in Little Martha, because she's so darn fast and maneuvers like a turbo powered skateboard. Since everyone else is driving the same way, it's FUN and I can always rely on some guy in a Ram diesel to do the muscle work for me. It's even better with the top down and Allman Bros on real loud.

7:11 AM

 
Anonymous rootietoot said...

an' anudda t'ing
When assholes in Mercedes tailgate me, I get in a position where they are unable to pass, then I slow waaaay down, until I see them reaching under their seat for the sawed off shotgun, then I speed up again. It's fun to be in total control of the mental state of a complete stranger.

10:40 AM

 

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