Dear Tonsils:

Dear Tonsils and whatever other appendages line the back of my throat and the base of my tongue:

Are you fucking kidding me? ENOUGH. The ENTIRE month of APRIL, you have either been in the stages of starting to hurt, hurting excruciatingly, waning from hurting, and then hurting again.

I'm... I'm really over it, Tonsils, and other soft tissuey materials in my throat. I mean, Jesus-Fucking-Christ.

STOP IT. STOP IT NOW. You're the reason I haven't even thought of trying to date anyone else. I wouldn't want to make someone horribly sick. You're the reason this breakup has been even harder - it would be rough without throat swelling, but this is rigoddamndiculous.

I've tried to be patient. And I really have been. But come on. If it's not one side of my throat, it's the other, and, while I appreciate you switching off, I really don't appreciate not being able to eat, oh, PICKLES. OR ANYTHING ELSE ACIDIC WITHOUT HAVING HORRIBLE BURNING IN THE BACK OF MY THROAT.

I'm at my wits end. Please. Just please stop. I'm eating fruit. I'm relaxing after work. I'm trying to even like...get at least 7.5 hours of sleep enough. Please, please, please stop hurting.

I promise, if you do, I'll reward you with lots and lots of... ice cream? Tea? Whatever you want.

Just quit. Okay?

Thanks.

Love,

Me.