An Open Letter to the Malls of South Florida:

Dear Bal Harbour, Merrick Park, Sunset Place and The Falls, respectively:

Your architects should be shot.

I do not understand WHY they insisted on building malls without ceilings. Guess what? For six months out of the year, it's hot as hell, and as humid as Louisiana in August. Do you want to go shopping when you've sweat through your underwear? I know I don't.

Yeah, for about two months out of the year, it's possible to wander around and shop without sweating, and yes, we have beautiful weather for about six months out of the year. But guess what else?! If I'm SHOPPING, I've chosen to forgo the beautiful weather and shop. Or else, newsflash, I'm SHOPPING, because the weather SUCKS, and I don't WANT to be outside, I want to be INSIDE, spending money.

In an AIR-CONDITIONED and HUMIDITY FREE ENVIRONMENT.

In Maryland, it's also beautiful weather for half the year. Between April through September, it's gorgeous! But you don't see people in Maryland building outdoor malls, do you? No. Because between October through April, it's cold, and could snow. (Probably not in October, but stranger things have happened.) And no one wants to go slugging through an open-air mall in the snow, or in the freezing cold.

Well, the converse is true in Florida. Between November through April, it's nice enough to have an open air mall, but between April through November, it's like a goddamn sauna in this state. Who wants to go shopping in a Sauna?

Not I, McFly. I don't LIKE swimming from store-to-store.

You're KILLING your possible revenues for these places, you know that? I don't spend nearly as much money as I would otherwise, and do you know why? Because the absence of a roof, and air-conditioned enclosure between the stores, means that on the long, muggy trip between Bloomingdales and Banana Republic, or between Neiman Marcus and Express, I've worked up quite a sweat, and don't want to THINK about draping myself with more fabric.

In Maryland, I have no problem spending money. Oh, sure, the mall is too hot, in EVERY SEASON there too, in Summer it's too hot and in Winter it's like an oven, but, although I dampen whatever I'm trying on, I don't full-on soak it.

Not the case down here. I can make that $100.00 shirt become a $25.00 sale item in ten seconds flat, because of the salt-rings on the back and on the stomach.

It's typical, though, and doesn't surprise me that open-air malls keep being built. People in South Florida are idiots. They've released several National Studies affirming the same.

All I have to say is this: you're only hurting yourself. I know it goes along with the whole "Tropical" image of Miami to have an open air mall, and I know for the tourists it's a great novelty, but let's face it: they're only here when it's nice to shop in those places. For the remainder of the year, it's the residents that actually keep your stores afloat, and if the residents can't bring themselves to do serious shopping outside of the timeframe between November and March, well, everyone has a problem, don't they?

Think about it. Slap on a roof. Install a mega-air-conditioning system. Close off those stupid streets that run through the malls (See, Sunset Place) and I think once you've set the thermostats at 70 degrees in all those malls, you'll see a large increase in July, August and September sales.

That's my two cents.

Love,

Me