I'm a little slow today. I just switched to Sanka. So...have a heart?

Friday, November 17, 2006

Even though I shop there...confirmation that Target is Evil.

David Blain is doing a new stunt. And it confirms that Target is evil.

You like that? That's called a "gripping opener." You're gripped. You're curious. Okay.

David Blaine (From the Planet Ne-Bali, way, way, way...far...away... [Everyone who recognizes what movie that line is from, can be my Valentine this year!!! Should be pretty easy for many of you...because you're smart people...YAY! LOTS OF VALENTINES!]) is doing a new stunt, where he has three days to shimmy out of a constantly-spinning gyroscope, into which he is shackled, three-stories above Times Square.

If he does this, Target and the Salvation Army will give 100 poor families $500.00 to spend at Target, a Blain-accompanied Shopping Spree!

OMG, I KNOW, RIGHT!? THAT iS SOOOOO NICE. AND WE ALL TOTALLY WANT HIM TO DO IT, BECAUSE THAT'S SUCH A NICE HOLIDAY STORY, AND OH MY GOD, DAVID BLAIN IS USING HIS HOUDINI-ANTICS FOR THE GREATER GOOD, TO HELP THE POOR! HE'S A GREAT GUY! AND HE'S GOING TO MAKE SOME NEEDY PEOPLE REALLY HAPPY! AND HONESTLY, ISN'T GOODWILL TOWARDS MEN, AND REMEMBERING THE NEEDY THE "HALLMARK" (HA-HA-I THOUGHT OF A PUN!) OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON?! WOW, GO YOU, DAVID BLAIN, AND GO YOU, TARGET, FOR GIVING A HUNDRED NEEDY FAMILIES FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS TO SPEND IN YOUR STORES! THAT IS SO GENEROUS! YOU'RE A GREAT CORPORATION, TARGET! TARGET, IT'S SO GREAT THAT YOU'RE DOING THIS! TARGET, YOU'RE NOT A HUGE CORPORATION WITH STORES EVERYWHERE, YOU'RE A CARING COMPANY, TARGET, THAT ALSO HAS EVERYTHING I NEED FOR MY HOME, TARGET! DAVID AND TARGET, GO YOU GUYS!

That's what we're all thinking. Target. But then, I thought, "Oh. But last time, David Blain didn't finish his stunt; he didn't stay under water and break the World's record, after living in a bubble of water for a disgustingly long period of time..."

Target.

And THEN, I thought, "Target is funding this Sweeps Spectacle...which everyone is going to hear about, at LEAST one time - that Target is funding David Blaine... and the way they've couched it, it seems like they're giving a LOT of families a LOT of money... And it makes us feel really warm and fuzzy, but we do the math and 500 x 100 only comes out to $50,000. And EVERYONE is going to think about Target at least once in the next few days now because, of this advertising, and we'll feel good about Target as a corporate sponsor and vendor right around Christmas-time, {Because it's giving away a LOT of money, y'all!} (Even though probably makes $50,000.00 in five minutes on a Saturday), BUT ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE - IT's VERY LIKELY THAT DAVID BLAIN WON'T EVEN BE ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH THIS STUNT, AND IN THAT CASE, TARGET, WILL HAVE GARNERED A TON OF ADVERTISING THAT IT ESSENTIALLY GOT FOR FREE, BECAUSE IT DOESN'T HAVE TO FINANCE POORSKIES ON A SHOPPING TRIP!

Brilliant. Absolutely Brilliant. And I am not kidding. That is a Brilliant campaighn on Target's part (for unthinking people, anyway.)

Despite the fact that I shop there, and, when the store is well-maintained, LOVE IT, I am fully cognizant that it is the Devil. Because that plan is Evil.

I only hope they wait until Blain does the trick before they tell the "monetarily challenged" folk that they've been selected. Can you imagine if they didn't and these poor people are praying for this money? Oh god, how awful.

Okay, even if Target DOES give out the money to the people if Blain doesn't succeed (MERRY CHRISTMAS, ANYWAYS! LOVE, BENEVOLENT TARGET!), fitty' grand isn't a lot of money. (It ain't a lot of money for HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF ADVERTISING!) Hell, I make considerably more than that in a year. (Not to be impolite, but I don't consider myself wealthy, which is why I raised the point.) The fact that Target is giving out less than my annual salary for a major Christmas charity seems pretty piddly when you think about it. Yeah, it's charity and the people can use the money, and it is a good thing. But a Corporation like Target should really make it count. It has the deep pockets - especially given the millions of dollars in revenue and good will this will generate. After having overanalyzed the negative aspects of this, I may think a bit less of Target...actually... Even though they were damned if they did and damned if they didn't.


On another side note, Query this: If David Blain fails this experiment, will it be an even more strong draw to watch his future stunts? I argue yes. He started with easy stunts to raise awareness of him. But living in a box over the Thames? Not that hard. Being in a coffin for a while? Sort of a mind-fuck, probably sat in his own filth... still... manageable. And generated great publicity.

Now that he has our attention... he'll fail all the stunts. And we will ALL tune in to every one, because we think he's going to die an awful death on camera, and we absolutely cannot pass up the chance to see it (Don't lie, you know you'll watch.)

David didn't stay under water for the world's record. Some of us were hooked then, but many of us will become converts this time, because, how cool would it be to see someone get mangled and fall three stories on T.V. - it appeals to our instinct that caused us to gather around the tree at Tyburn to watch the condemned, "hang by the neck until [they were] dead."

I think his new M.O. should be to do stunts where he won't get killed, but can't do them, and fails all of them. I will absolutely watch something if I know someone is going down in flames.

And that's all I have to say about that.

6 Comments:

Blogger Rootietoot said...

Didn't they pay off the Salvation Army to keep bell ringers from cluttering up the fronts of their stores?

6:04 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry to take some of the air out of your rant, but the article I read in El Shitty Herald said that Target would pay for the sprees whether Blaine succeeded or not. How magnanamous of them!

Either way, the whole thing reeks. But... I do love Target's home decour section, so it's all okay with me. /bad person

12:38 PM

 
Blogger SuperBee said...

RT - I have no idea. Wouldn't put it past them, though. Although, I really don't like the Salvation Army anyway, though. I feel like they have some anti-homo agenda.

Anonymous - Oh, when I read it in the Washington Post yesterday, it said, "If Blain wins..." So, that was what spurred that rant. Still, fifty grand? That's like...nothing for that amount of advertising exposure. They should be giving more money to more people. It's Christmas.

3:21 PM

 
Anonymous vidas said...

Is this a reference to the stool capital of the world? Because if it isn't, let the record note that I just HATE you...you and your....ass....FACE!

11:35 AM

 
Blogger SuperBee said...

"And I'm gonna go home and BITE! MY! PILLOW!, That's what I'm gonna do! I'm gonna go BITE! MY! PILLOW!"

Good work, Vidas. :)

7:45 AM

 
Anonymous Adrienne said...

More importantly, of you mix up the letters of Nebali, doesn't it spell Blaine? Like Blaine, Missoura? I hear they're famous for their stools! I like to do the less is more acting.

10:26 AM

 

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