I miss the Four Food Groups.

Remember those? Meats, Fruits and Vegetables, Dairy and Grains. (And Pills.)

Easy.

Now we have the Pyramid - or maybe we don't anymore, I have no idea, that's been around for like ten years... and I don't know what's on it, really. There's the "Bread" group which has like up to eleven servings per day, and the fruit group requires five servings a day. All I know is at the top it's "Fats and Sweets. Sparingly."

Sparingly my ass. The Food Pyramid is just more proof that the general American Public is retarded.



And furthermore, if people actually followed the pyramid 1) they'd be as big as a house and 2) they'd be shitting their brains out constantly. They probably are, I just live in South Florida where we don't have many fatties, and I don't tend to hang around in the Men's room monitoring pooping, so really, I don't notice, know or care whether people are getting fatter and pooping more.

I mean, the MINIMUM recommend servings per day of food is FIFTEEN SERVINGS of things. The Maximum? Twenty six.

TWENTY SIX SERVINGS of food per day? No wonder most of the country is so fat.

Hell, I eat one big meal a day. Lunch. Breakfast is coffee. Lunch is Vaca Frita con yuca frita y moros and cafe, and dinner is whatever I can scrounge up. Not much generally. Even the Vaca Frita, lately (for a year) I've been opting for a salad. It's lighter, and I don't feel all greasy all the time.

I don't think I could eat fifteen servings of food per day and still be functional. I'd be in such a sated food coma, I'd be as lethargic as a Victorian Rail Magnate. And probably as gassy and gouty as well.

When I was little, it was easy. In every meal, eat one of the four food groups. Simple. Twelve servings of things. Twelve is manageable. It's three less than fifteen. (Did I actually just write that?)

Maybe it's nostaliga, maybe it's distain for the rest of the Country, maybe it's my own elitist attitude, and maybe it's utter nutritional ignorance on my part...

But things were easier when people just had to figure them out for themselves. You want to eat? Put a bread, meat, and fruit on it, and have a glass of milk. Voila. A well-balanced meal. Now there's math involved, or palm-sized portions of protein.

Fuck the Pyramid noise. Too much thinking.

So here's my advice to the USDA: Revoke the pyramid. Instead, replace the Food Pyramid with this slogan, "EAT A SALAD, FATTY, IF NOT, IT'S YOUR FUNERAL, SO WHATEVER. AND ALSO, REMEMBER THE FOUR FOOD GROUPS. AND DON'T ORDER THE APPLE PIE WITH YOUR SUPERSIZED DOUBLE QUARTERPOUNDER WITH CHEESE MEAL. AND FOR GOD'S SAKE GET A DIET COKE WITH THAT, YOU DON'T NEED THE EXTRA CALORIES."

That's helpful. I like it. I think it has pizzaz.

Thoughts?