This poop schedule has me all out of whack.

I love my job. I think it's fun, and today I got to notarize things for the first time! Yep, I'm a Notary Public! And, if I do a search on the Florida Bar Website, I show up there! Who effing knew?! And I also show up under Florida Notaries!

It's skizztacular.

What I do not love, however, is that I haven't been able to adjust my poo schedule around work.

I'm a Jew, and we're not public poopers. At least, a select vein of us aren't, anyway. Like Larry David and me. Unfortunately, I share many of Larry's neuroses, and at times, find myself comporting my self similarly to him.

I don't like to drop anchor when there are other people around. Even if it's a dire emergency, I'd rather sweat out the nausea than...well, never mind.

So... like this pooping thing is really cramping my style. I don't know what changed, either! But I'm like, not happy. I used to be able to tell myself, "NO. YOU'LL POO LATER!" and then I'd squeeze everything back and it'd all be hunky dory. I can still squeeze everything back, but it sits there...heavy. Fatiguing me. So, on Fridays, instead of going out, usually I go home to poo. And then watch Most Haunted, and then read, because I've lost my momentum.

I don't like going out on Friday nights... I'm tired. But that's because I GO HOME. If I didn't go home, it wouldn't be a problem! See?!

But Imma hafta step up my game, because Friday nights are fun. Last Friday, I met up with (read: got HAMMERED) with a lot of my friends I hadn't seen forever at Gordon Biersch. Hate the place, it smells like, well, coincidentally, poo, but we got drunk and had fun. Lots of fun. I did, anyway. Everyone else probably got annoyed at the obnoxious drunk kid. Sorry, guys!

Tonight I came home and pooed and then my friends had the audacity to call me while I was watching Most Haunted. If I was less of a retard, I would have realized I was TIVOing the show, and rolled out to the beach like a good little funboy.

What did I do? Rebuffed them, AND seeing another friend who moved away and is back in town, and watched TV and ate cookies and read.

THEN, at like midnight, another of my friends was like "COME OUT!" and by this point I'm basically like "Helllllllllllno." So, again, I'm home. I need to realize that people are not going to keep calling me if I just sit home eating Soft Batch cookies (which I will poo out later) and watching Most Haunted and reading "A Million Little Pieces." I am 25 years old and I need to be out still getting drunk and spending money and falling down and eating pizza, because very soon, watching TV and reading will be the only pleasures in which I can partake.

So. Next weekend, although it promises to be a BIG'UN, on Saturday (Mental Note: Buy Vizcaya Tickets...now.) I am going to go out and have fun on Friday.

Yes. Maybe I just won't eat on Thursday, so I don't have any poo on Friday. Then I can just go out. It will also motivate me to wear something cute instead of the lackluster ensembles I've been pulling off lately, because no one in my office cares what I look like. So. Less coming home, and pooing, and more being 25. Yes. Definitely.