Trafficky Monday

I stole this post from Miami Gringo.

I'm pasting it in. Especially as I look out over the Westbound Lanes of the 836 which closed this morning at approximately 10:30 a.m. and are still closed at 3:27 p.m. while I write this. (Bear in mind, this is one... no... is the only East-West route in Middle-Southern Dade County - 826 curves over at the Broward line.)

It has probably COMPLETELY fucked traffic up for a 10-mile radius. Here's a picture. You'll note that on the East Bound lanes, they're completely snarled with traffic, with the 72nd Street ramp full of people trying to get around this nightmare. In the middle of the picture, are lines (cranes) fixing a road sign that didn't come out in the picture because of the glare of the afternoon sun glinting off a corpse n' gator filled canal.

And now the post that I'm pasting in:

Here in Miami, one of the top issues people talk about is traffic. There’s something to be said when you see people regularly come into work late, and they simply say they got stuck in traffic and everything is excused. Had I done that in any of my previous jobs, I would have been reprimanded, fired, had my pay docked, or any number of other horrible things. Honestly, I cannot say this about any other place I’ve ever lived, but driving in Miami is literally a life or death experience. It is not for the feint hearted, nor is it a pleasant experience.

But take heart! There are driving techniques we have here in Miami that nobody else has even thought of yet! Things that will keep you safe, out of harm’s way, and allow you to enjoy the experience all at the same time. Here’s a quick list:

Did you know… that if you see someone on the side of the road you’d like to talk to, but don’t feel like pulling over, that there’s a way to do it? That’s right! No longer are we caught off-guard searching for a driveway or embankment to get out of the way — we have blinker lights! Activating this “best kept secret” of the automobile makes your vehicle impervious to creating a traffic problem. Furthermore, you can stay in the middle of the road for as long as you wish, because you have your blinker lights on.

Did you know… that the lanes on a highway are really only there for aesthetic purposes? That’s right! Can’t decide where you’re going or which lane you’d like to be in? Take up two! No really, we understand its tough to make a decision sometimes. Hell, if you’ve got a big enough car, just take up three, they’re free!

Did you know… that if you have a motorcycle you’re in luck! Driving on the ole’ two-wheeler is no problem here in Miami. Traffic jam? No problem! Just go between the cars and poof, you’re out of there like a girl and her prom dress. Seriously — one of these day’s I’m going to open my door right when a scooter is passing me, and I’m not going to be able to apologize to whomever gets the blunt end of my wrath because I’ll be laughing too hard. Not that he’d speak english anyways…

Did you know… turning lanes are really only a convenience factor? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is socially acceptable, even commonplace, to take your left turn from the right lane, or your right turn from the left lane! So remember, next time you need to make a turn, make life more interesting for everyone and give it a try! They’ll love you for it. If you’re not feeling brave enough to try it without training wheels though, for God’s sakes turn on your blinkers!

Did you know… when traffic lights turn red, it’s not valid for at least fifteen seconds? No really! Nobody will fault you for trying to make it through the intersection ten seconds after the light turns red — but you’d better not be there fifteen seconds after the light turns! That’s just rude.

So, boys and girls, obviously we’ve progressed beyond the limits of society here in South Florida, and have evolved a new way to drive. All of our children get tested on these particular techniques, among others, on their driver’s test. So to those of you that have children I beg of you: Please don’t neglect your children when it comes to teaching them proper driving. And remember — if they ever feel uncomfortable, just have them turn on their blinkers!

Fin.