I'm a little slow today. I just switched to Sanka. So...have a heart?

Thursday, May 27, 2010

When you're stressed: Medicate!

I haven't been writing much lately because I've been on the brink of a suicidal nervous breakdown.

Well, not suicidal. Sort of.

But I'm definitely in the throes of a quarter (third?) life crisis, having realized that I became an adult too fast (taking into consideration that coming from a comfortable family, I probably had the option to live abroad and teach English, or join the Peace Corps. or be a "DFH" for a while and hike the Appalachian Trail (even though at the relevant time I was in the throes of Jappiness)).

For the last year I have been paralyzed with regret that I raced through college, law school, and then into the purchase of real estate and automobiles, and chose a profession that basically locks you into a state, unless you want to spend another three months studying for a two-day test, to permit you to practice your soul-sucking occupation in a different state. It's also a profession where when you graduate, you've already racked up so much debt that when all is said and done, you may as well just go out and buy all the trappings of success, because you figure "Well, what the fuck, right? I'm going to be paying this off forever, so I may as well have nice things..."

Woah. That was a lot of blathering right there.

Well, the point is last Sunday, I went to a shrink for the first time. Because I have been a truly miserable and horrible person for the last... year.

He has me on this weird combination of natural supplements (fish oil - Blarrrrgghf! SAM-e, some odd prescription B-Vitamin called Deplin) and he also gave me a Xanax prescription and a Klonopin prescription. Xanax for general anxiety, Klonopin for sleep.

I have been dutifully taking my vitamins and supplements (especially the Klonopin!) and as a result you know what I've been doing, finally?


It's AMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZING! Sleeping through the night is like the greatest gift ever. I don't care whether it's a drug-induced sleep or not, it's God-sent.

I bounced into the office on Monday with a smile on my face and a spring in my step... probably because I still had residual Klonopin in my system...

And since sleeping last Sunday night, I've been happy as a clam. Maybe it's a placebo effect, maybe it's sleep, maybe all these gross pills I'm taking are beginning to work, but I'm not having random anxiety attacks while making popcorn, or debating driving my (almost-paid-for) car into a jersey wall.

I'm doing my work, and doing it with minimal whimpering.

I'm also leaving the office promptly at 7:00, because my shrink asked how much I was making, I told him, and he asked me, "So, you leave at 5:00 p.m., every night, right?"

Big ups to my Chasid Psychiatrist. I'd like to get some Valium out of him, because Valium + Mimosa + Brunch = heaven, but for now, I'll just take this newfound quasi-drugged happy haze in which I exist...


I even won in Court the other day. Not that that's unusual; I usually win, but I didn't get "anxiety leg-worms" before I went in, and I slept the night before. Hell, I basically didn't prepare at all, went in there, and knocked one out of the park.


I guess my point is this: When you're unhappy, you can try exercise, and you can go to acupuncture, and you can tell yourself that your problems are the problems of the first world, and you should be thrilled that you don't live in a tent in Haiti...

Or you can cave and go to the shrink, and walk out with a fistfull of prescriptions, and a new day on the horizon.

Having seen the light, I choose the latter. All for a $45.00 copay.


Blogger Rootietoot said...

Sleep is the nectar of the Gods. yes it is. I am SO HAPPY to hear you are doing it! This whole post is making me smile and sip my coffee and wanting to bake you a peach cobbler. If you ever decide you have an uncontrollable urge to see Savannah, you can stay here and not go into debt to do it. I mean that.
and xanax rocks. with bells on. love the stuff.

4:22 AM

Anonymous Squathole said...

Got a similar story with the opposite lead-in. They grey mist and anxiety evaporated when I STOPPED my meds, a mild pill provided to control blood pressure and prostate enlargement.

Basically we human beans are chemical compounds. Garbage in garbage out. Balance is critical and in constant flux. I highly recommend alcohol.

PS Loved the double parantheses in para 3.

5:44 AM

Blogger SuperBee said...

RT - It's amazing what it's like not to trudge miserably through a week. :) I knew you, if anyone, would understand this post.

And there will come a time when I say, "I'm taking time off." and I will head up to Savannah, because I have yet to see it. And when that time comes, I will swing by and get you, and I will take you to The Lady & Sons. And you can eat your corn and crab chowder you so dearly love. :)

Squat - I know I'm a bag o' chems. Alcohol actually seems to intensify my badness... and I get scolded my Madame Pins (the acupuncturist) whenever she sees from my tongue that I've been drinkin' or eatin' cheese.

I hope all is going well in your downstairs. And thanks for the double-parentheses compliment. :)

6:45 AM

Blogger Yono Senada said...

I'm so happy for you. I had a feeling about what you were going through. Hang in there. Living through medication (a little help) works. Like you, I can't drink because it just makes me really depressed ... at least for now, maybe someday I'll be able to do the mimosa/xanax brunch again WITH YOU. Mazel Tov!

9:46 AM


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