Dear Sandra and Rachel:
Dear Sandra Lee:
I dislike you. First, you seem like a cold, calculating, icy, stupid Republican. But that's not really why I dislike you, even though I imagine you're super sweet and fake to all the homos on the staff of your show, while believing that they're going to hell... I also imagine you going off to church on a Spring morning in a bright floral dress... in a hat. (Eeeech.)
No, I'm "over" hearing you talk about your family. Why does your stupid family have to be in every show? But it's always your SISTER'S kids.
What's wrong with you and your husband? Why don't you have kids?
I'll bet you're barren. You're the lady whose insides are rotten.
You're dumb and lazy. Your recipes are stupid, and Bisquick and canned salmon isn't the answer to everything. And no one cares about Bricer or Sandy or Michelle or Alexis or Becky or the rest of the Aryan brood of children that follows you around while you make crappy chocolate lollipops out of that shitty melting chocolate they sell near the strawberries in the grocery store.
And enough with the Tablescapes, 'kay? I'm not about to go spend $100 (at least) on crappy table baubles. And I spend my money on unwise things. I imagine someone with a 1) famliy and 2) budget isn't going to go running to Michael's and the Container Store every time they have someone over for dinner.
Sandra Lee: You suck.
Love,
Me.
Dear Rachel Ray:
Who's your stylist? Because...come here real quick. Lean in.
YOU HAVE A FAT ASS.
Don't get me wrong. That's not a problem. I don't care if you have a fat ass or not. You're a chef. You're supposed to have some meat on your bones. I think you look very healthy, actually. Go you for not being a walking skeleton. (See, Sandra Lee.)
You're semi-cute. Except with your jeans selection. What the hell is your stylist thinking?! Your lil' tops are usually acceptable and zippy... but why is the bottom half of you always crammed into tapered-leg MomJeans or khakis that don't flatter your badonkadonk?
It's a problem, Rachel. How about a nice a-line skirt every now and then, huh? With a pair of wood-soled Dr. Scholl's sandals? (I know they're overwith, but I like them.) Or Candies? (Ditto.)
Or maybe a large drippy belt that would detract from the watermelons you're lugging around back there? Or maybe, just MAYBE a flared-leg pant? Something to even out the inflated Mylar balloons you've got stuffed in your back pockets?
Or hey... maybe buy some pants with less Lycra in them? I can almost smell your cameltoe from here.
Whatever you choose to do... less tapered stretchy black pants, less ill-fitting Jeans. Or if you INSIST, Mavi (overwith) were always good for the fat Jewish asses in college... and Citizens of Humanity and Seven also do wonders. Try True Religion.
You make a lot of money. There's no excuse for your wardrobe.
Love,
Me.
posted by SuperBee at 3:05 PM
6 Comments:
Remind me to get a good stylist before I see you again. I'd hate to think of what you think of a 5 foot short girl like myself wearing capris on my fat ass.
I'm going to go eat ice cream and potato chips for the rest of the day because my self esteem has been shot dead.
4:16 PM
Jessica - When did you get so hilarious? And why don't you have a blog? I'm about to call you so I can hear your voice. I want you to read me your comment. Whatever. You LOVE Rachel Ray's pants, because everyone in Tampa wears them. Don't lie.
You have a pair. A pair that you wear with your sparkly gold shrug!
Adrienne - I didn't mean to shoot down your self esteem. I think fat asses are GRAND. I do, however, think ass-appropriate clothing is a must with a tushie. And you don't have a fat ass, sweetie! Or if you do, I don't notice it, because I still look at you and see a 13-year-old on her Bat Mitzvah day. (Do you realize we've known each other for over 1/2 of our lives? Scary, no?)
4:39 PM
Even my mom made a comment about Rachel's butt on TV. Her clothes aren't that bad in person, though. I went to one of her book signings in Miami and she had on the exact same Michael Stars shirt as I did. That was a little weird. Especially since my boyfriend had a thing for her. She suddenly turned into a "tramp" when he found out she got engaged, though. And yes, Paula Deen is swell. She threw gooey cake at us at the SB Food Festival year before last.
8:16 PM
I don't understand 90 percent of your blog posts and I never know the people you are referencing.
In the next post, please stick exclusively to jokes about poop, pee and include hilarious pictures of old people falling.
2:08 PM
Dear Andy:
Maybe if you weren't so aggressively heterosexual with your nude oiled Greco-Roman wrestling, and your all-beef-n'-Beer-all-the-time diet, and your football and your gawking at the ladies, and maybe if you embraced your softer side and watched a little Food Network once in a while, you'd know what I'm talking about.
But, I will make an effort to write more for your audience in the future. I have a posting about pickles coming up soon. Polacks like pickles.
2:18 PM
I can't wait to read what you write about beer, football, and bass boats.
3:34 PM
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