I'm a little slow today. I just switched to Sanka. So...have a heart?

Friday, September 01, 2006

To answer questions:

1) Those candles in a glass are Yartzheit candles, for the yearly anniversaries of the deaths of close relatives. They burn on your stove, unattended for 24 hours, causing much anxt while at work, because you're worried that somehow, the candle exploded, and you'll come home to the charred ruins of your house.

Afterwards, you use the glasses the candles come in, to serve grape juice to children. The more people around you that die, and the longer they've been dead, the more juice glasses you have. Eventually, you'll move to a little light that you plug into the wall, which juts out like a small glowing penis, a shining tribute to your deceased loved one.

2) Matzah is a cracker-like unleavened bread that comes in boards. It's made with special ground wheat, and water, poked full of holes, and baked in a hot oven. It's about as flavorful as a manilla envelope. It's eaten to make Jews miserable for eight days of the year, to commemorate our journey across the Red Sea, out of Egypt, because we didn't have time to let our bread rise when Moses got Ramses to let us go. One would think that a Joyous holiday would call for eating tasty foods, but no. Flour and water. At least the hardtack served to the Prisoners at Newgate had worms in it for flavor...

At all other times of the year, it's ground up and makes its appearance in much the same way breadcrumbs do. Sometimes it makes its appearance as matzah pizza or matzah and peanutbutter. Really, the only people that eat Matzah outside of March or April, are in the sixty-seven and older age bracket. I don't know why. Maybe because they don't have any tastebuds, and everything tastes like matzah to them, anyway, so why eat tasty but expensive food, when matzah is filling and tastes just like a Dunkin Donut or a plate of clam strips to them?

Matzah's time to shine, however, is Passover, when there is Matzah in, quite possibly, everything anyone eats during the eight painful days.

There are several gradiations of matzah grinding - Matzah farfel is like cracker crumbs; I don't really know what it's used for, maybe matzah brei. Matzah farfel is annoying to me, for some reason. I think my mom is still operating off the box she bought when she was married in '75.

Matzah meal is like fine cracker crumbs. This is what you make Matzah balls out of; you can also make buns, etc out of it. And stuffing. You can basically make anything out of Matzah meal. Matzah meal is the Golden Child of Passover.

Then is Passover cake meal which is matzah that has been milled down, essentially, into flour again, but the important thing is that ONCE it was Matzah, because God-Forbid you don't eat Matzah and get horribly constipated and gassy during Passover. With Cake Meal (and Potato Starch) you can make brownies, and spongecake...and... well, who the hell cares, because you can also just buy all the boxed goodies that Manischewitz produces and make brownies and spongecake and cookies and eat kichel without having to do any work!

3 Comments:

Blogger Rootietoot said...

THANK YOU! I feel so enlightened, smarter even.. I think I read once that the flour used in the Mahtzo factories was blessed? I guess that's why you have to use them instead of some other tasteless unleavened bread like water crackers or saltines.

3:08 PM

 
Blogger SuperBee said...

Yup. The flour is probably some archaic type of wheat, and it's blessed by a Rabbi. Most of our food is, though. Meat, definitely.

Ugh. Matzah makes water crackers and saltines look flavorful.

3:48 PM

 
Blogger Jessica said...

I eat matzah with LOTS of butter. All year long :)
AND anxt is ACTUALLY spelled angst :) LOVE YOU!

10:13 AM

 

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