I'm a little slow today. I just switched to Sanka. So...have a heart?

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Memo to Conservative Christians: Sit the fuck down.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Is this really an issue that need to be addressed and fought over?
Do you even need to RAISE this as an issue? Is this Is this because you're feeling helpless about what's happening in Lebanon and Iraq? Feelin' sad that you can't lose those extra 100 pounds? Depressed that the transmission fell out of your 1987 Grand AM? Need to make an issue out of something trivial, that doesn't affect you, oh, ever?

Go do some goddamn charity. You'll feel better and stop being sanctimonious bags of shit. I promise you, crazy conservative religious right, from what I've seen of your kind, you won't be assaulted in the steamy open stairwells of a Holiday Inn Express. Ew.

Piss off. We'll watch as much Hotel Porn as we want to. In fact, I'm going to boost my consumption of hotel pornography in response to this.

God, DAMMIT. Why do you people make me so ANGRY!? Doesn't the FBI have like, oh, A HUNDRED MILLION MORE PRESSING THINGS to investigate than Hotel Porn? It's not even fucking illegal!

Ugh. Don't like it? Move to fucking Utah. You'll like it there. No one has any fun, anywhere, ever. You'll fit right in. No drinking, no smoking, no porn, no cussing, no Coca-Cola, no sex, no negros, no nothing. And there's the Great Salt Lake. You can pretend you're floating in the Dead Sea or something.

ARRRRGH. Don't make me become a lawyer for the ACLU. I'm warning you... I'm good, and you're PISSING ME OFF. Don't make me roundly beat you in Court.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

As we struggle to understand the surge in violence in the middle east,it is important for those of all faiths to recognize these Four Religious Truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian World.

4. Southern Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

1:13 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The difference between Baptists and Episcopalians?

Episcopalians will speak to you in the liquor store!

3:05 PM

Blogger Rootietoot said...

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian?
Someone who knocks on your door but doesn't know why.

I'm wondering who is holding a gun to those folkses heads and making them pay for the porn? I mean, once I tried (you know me, I'm a Christian Conservative, but open minded about it)to watch porn in a hotel, but discovered I'd have to pay 7.99, and opted for the free HBO instead. You can 't watch until you've paid...so just HOW do they know it was porn and not a 1973 Sesame Street clip called Maria Loves Ernie?
You're right- they have too much time on their hands. Imagine how many people would have a house if those folk used their energy hammering for Habitat.

*sigh* They make me tired.

11:39 AM

Blogger Mike said...

HBO is where it's at. Nah - I know you remember "the third eye," available for free on HBO in a hotel room. That single viewing turned me into a sex fiend.

5:36 PM

Blogger SuperBee said...

We'll always have "HotLanta," Mike.

"I have my fingers, I have my eyes; I have my Pussy."

Praise Jesus for "Real Sex" the series which, in 1996, opened my eyes to the depraved nature of human beings.

On a side note -- that was ten years ago.



Worse still?

I could sing any song we had to sing from that trip.

8:52 PM


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