This city is classless.

We just opened up a new Concert Hall in Miami. The Carnival Performing Arts Center. (Thanks, Carnival Cruiselines!)

In any other city, the residents would know what to WEAR to a performance.

However, because my fair city is 1) a cultural wasteland and 2) full of filthy, dirty, classless people who have never been to a symphony, opera or MUSEUM in their lives, the Miami Herald saw fit to RUN AN ARTICLE telling people how to dress for the events.

It's below. This is so sad. I highly doubt that in New York, Boston, Chicago, D.C. or even MADISON WISCONSIN for that matter we would ever see an article like this in the paper. This city is full of complete retards with no breeding whatsoever.

Barring basic hygiene offenses, your sartorial choices won't get you ejected from the Carnival Center. There is no dress code.

But ticket-holders wanting to blend in should consider three things when attending a performance: the location, time and type of production.

An avant-garde play at the Studio Theater calls for funky, relaxed garb, while a ballet at the Sanford and Dolores Ziff Ballet Opera House suggests something more classically spiffy.

Opening nights always bring out the fanciest dressers, with some men in tuxedos and some women in long gowns. Friday and Saturday night performances tend to draw cocktail attire and sport jackets. And Sundays, when seniors and college students are bussed in, there's no shortage of jeans and fanny packs.

Here, a guide to the perfect look for a night at the Carnival:

VENUE: SANFORD AND DOLORES ZIFF BALLET OPERA HOUSE

Vibe: The 2,400-seat theater has plush, green seats, a formal feel and a stage curtain that vaguely resembles a Carnival cruise ship motif.

Coming up: The Miami City Ballet's Don Quixote, from Cervantes' timeless novel; Florida Grand Opera performing Giuseppe Verdi's Aida, the classic story of ill-fated love; and the Kennedy Center Imagination Celebration On Tour's Alice, an adaptation of Whoopi Goldberg's children's book about a girl racing to claim prize money.

Attire tips: You can yank out the good stuff for this venue. You'll never go wrong with the little black dress, string of pearls and pair of pumps. But because performances run the gamut from tragic operas to kiddie shows, there's no reason to be sartorially intimidated. The way you dress when going out with mom and dad -- use that as a benchmark here.

Consider avoiding: Jeans, camouflage cargos and denim minis.

VENUE: JOHN S. AND JAMES L. KNIGHT CONCERT HALL

Vibe: Miami's favorite color: orange! Lots of it. Plus, light wood accents, high-tech lighting and an imposing acoustic canopy. The mood at this 2,200-chair house is upbeat, kicking, alive.

Coming up: Singer/songwriter Randy Newman, known for his many film scores; 24-year-old Brit jazz sensation Jamie Cullum; comediennes Kathy Griffin and Paula Poundstone; Herman Wouk's drama, The Caine Mutiny Court-Martial, starring '80s actor Eric Stoltz (Mask) and mounted by L.A. Theatre Works.

Attire tips: With somber plotlines, thumping rock and caustic comedy, there's no reason you can't funk up your outfit at the Knight Concert Hall. Also trot out those trendy, cocktail party pieces you haven't had the nerve to wear yet -- layered chains, cheetah-print dress and leggings with a Pucci-esque tunic. But think smart, neat, refined. This is still a nice night out.

Consider avoiding: Keep bellybuttons tucked away. Depending on the event, clean sneakers are fine, jeans perfectly OK.

VENUE: STUDIO THEATER

Vibe: If you've ever been to Circle in the Square in New York or to a fringe festival anywhere, you'll feel right at home at this black-box, boho-SoHo 200-seat space. Outside the doors is a wildly colorful floor to ceiling mural, Ways of Performing by 93-year-old Cuban artist Cundo Bermúdez.

Coming up: Actress-turned-cabaret diva Andrea Marcovicci, doing Fred Astaire tunes; The Classical Theatre of Harlem's King Lear; and Miami Light Project artist Natasha Tsakos' Up Wake, which follows a cartoon character throughout his waking life and dreams. If it sounds strange, that's the point.

Attire tips: Time for haughty arty-meets-fabulous: Swap the contacts for glasses; throw the hair up in a floppy updo; brush off the dust from that black turtleneck, graffiti-up your favorite T-shirt. Express yourself like you're headed to Off, Off Broadway.

Consider avoiding: Funky doesn't mean sloppy. Experiment -- with restraint. You may feel like you're in someone's living room. But you're not.