I'm a little slow today. I just switched to Sanka. So...have a heart?

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Not to be crass...

Not to be crass, but score another victory for Darwinism.

A lady flipped her car on the expressway today. Anywhere else it would be a sad story about someone losing control of their car or a tire having blown out or something...

Allow me to explain the gaps in the story:

Woman killed Sunday when her SUV overturned on the Palmetto

A 19-year-old woman was killed this morning when her car flipped over after hitting a concrete divider on an Miami-Dade expressway, a Florida Highway Patrol spokesman said.

[Your first thought is, "Oh, my God! That's so sad!" Yeah, anywhere else, it would be sad. Not here. Here, your first thought should be, "Alright. What assaholic behavior was she engaged in such that she killed herself?"]

Magalys Mendez was driving north just after 11 a.m. on the Palmetto Expressway near the Northwest 122th Street exit when her 2001 Ford SUV swerved from the center lane and struck a concrete wall that separates traffic, FHP spokesman Pat Santangelo said.

[Here, please note that a presumably unmarried girl with no children, who lives in Miami, is driving a Ford SUV of undetermined style, but I'm guessing it's not just an Explorer. Probably something bigger; like an Expedition, or that Gargantuan one. There is absolutely no need for an SUV in Miami. They're hard to park - all they ever do is smash into other cars in parking lots, and we have no snow or ice that requires a car the weight and size of an Explorer or larger.

Also, note that she did not swerve from the left lane into the Jersey wall; rather, she swerved from the center lane, through the left lane, into the Jersey wall. Because this is Miami, there is a high likelihood that the following transpired: while applying eyeliner or lipstick in the sunshade mirror, her cellphone rang. Her cellphone was either in her purse on the passenger-side floor, or in the back, on the passengerside floor. She dropped her lipstick or eyeliner in the center console, and reached over to grab the phone in the purse, because God forbid she should let it go to voicemail and call the person back when she wasn't going to risk other people's safety or her own to dig around while doing 70 on the highway. As she reaches over, she looks down at her hands, taking her eyes completly off the road, and, most probably, contorting her entire body to search for the phone. A bump in the road, or an adjacent car's honk (as she drifts into their lane) startles her, she looks up, and she's drifting over to the right, so she panicks, overcompensates, and swerves over two lanes, risking killing a couple more people, and smashes into the Jersey wall.]

Her SUV flipped over and she was ejected from the car.

[She's probably not wearing a seatbelt either 1) because they're "uncomfortable" and she NEVER wears a seatbelt (highly probable) or 2) because she unbuckled it to be able to reach back into the rear passenger footwell to get her purse and cellphone (most likely scenario).]

Mendez was transported to Palmetto General Hospital, where she was pronounced dead.

''She was not wearing a seat belt,'' Santangelo said.

[Yup. No seatbelt.]

No one else was injured in the accident.

[No one was physically injured due to her stupidity besides her, THANK GOD. That said, thousands of people sat in gridlocked traffic between 11 to probably 12:30 or 1 p.m. until they cleared all the debris off the road and Medivac'ed her dumb ass off to the Morgue, causing them to be late for lunch appointments, shopping trips, a flight from the Airport, and many other appointments, to which they either arrived late, or had to miss entirely, because one dumb bitch couldn't wait to answer her phone until she wasn't going to put herself or anyone else at risk to answer it, or get her messages.]

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Blogger Yvette said...

This post is so spot-on that it almost leaves nothing further to say. Fuckwit Miami drivers: check. Needless SUV consumerism: check. Complete lack of regard for the way the actions of one could possibly impact everyone else on the road: check.

Bienvenidos a Miami!

8:23 PM

Blogger Rootietoot said...

It's called "natural selection"

4:03 AM

Blogger dmbmeg said...

my favorite are the people who drive SUV's because they are "safer"--not realizing that when your Hummer crashes into my Jetta (I miss having a car), it's not exactly safer for me, cause well, most likely I would be dead.

12:24 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great post. Some people would make the same argument about the UM student killed last fall. The guy was so hot shit that he thought he did not have to stop at the railroad crossing. Apparently he swerved around a line of about three cars, drove onto the tracks (this was a crossing with no bar blocking the road, just flashing lights, oh, and the other indication that a train was coming WAS THE LINE OF CARS STOPPED AT THE RAILROAD CROSSING) and got hit by the train. Good riddance. Better that he bit it before killing someone else with his recklessness.

3:10 PM


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