On 28.

I turn 28 in two hours. And, like most things these days, I'm looking forward to it with a sense of resignation... I'll just go through the motions. It's what I do.

I'm not depressed or unhappy about getting older. Technically, I'm in the prime of my life. I'm doing all that's expected of me, and on paper, I've got a fantastic life. But... eh. I'm just going through the motions. I'm wondering if this feeling of detachment and apathy is the dulling effects of the anti-depressants I'm so desperately trying to wean myself off of (but there's never a good time to do that...) or if it's something bigger. Being middle-class is so... cumbersome.

I have intentionally tried to downplay my birthday this year -- I think because it falls on a Monday, which, eeeech.

Also, I dislike my birthday in Miami, because it falls in the height of summer's awfulness. These days I've spent lately, languishing inside with crushing hangovers, I don't consider wasted days, because, I mean, what else am I going to do? Go outside? Not bloody likely. Previous birthdays down here have devolved into gargantuan sweatfests, with me, the host, feeling guilty for dragging a large group of people out onto the Beach, and outside (such as at the Delano's back yard), where, for me, anyway, the night ends with hair that is literally dripping with sweat, and jeans that have to be peeled off sweaty kneebacks.

Today I walked to the Apple Store (another post for another day, but ugh, that place is my idea of hell) and by the time I finished my round-trip of just under 3/4ths of a mile, I was, literally drenched. September in Miami... sucks.

Again, this isn't a "poor me" post, it's just that as each year ticks by, it's a good time for some introspection. Although in my case, introspection is futile, because what can I change? I've chosen a career where I'm tethered to this state by an examination, and quite honestly have no idea what else I would do if I weren't a lawyer. I'm wholly unqualified for any other sort of job. I have no business experience; I'm just a snot-nosed overeducated white kid from a nice suburb with 100K worth of student debt and no practical skills that work in any arena other than law.

Not only am I tethered here by the Florida Bar in all its non-reciprocal glory, but I'm tethered here with a mortgage and all the stupid other trappings of adulthood.

I'm lucky to have these problems. I realize that. But, having always done what's expected of me, these are the problems with which I find myself, and to me they're no less real than the huge other problems that other people face...

It'll be a fine birthday. There will be cake and pizza at the office. I will likely have to stay late to prepare for Tuesday's deposition. And then at the end of the week, I'm off to Rochester to see one of my best and oldest friends get married. I'm really looking forward to the wedding, and to going to Niagra Falls (the Canadian side) with an old high school friend. It's not like there's no light on the horizon, but the lights are little blips along the way of what has otherwise become a very routine existence, that's draining my joie de vivre.

Now, who's ready to party?