An Exchange:

Scene: The McDonald's on NW 12th Street and 82nd Avenue, at lunch time. I am dressed in business casual attire, purchasing my third Asian Crispy Chicken Salad of the week, and one for another lady in my office. As I have ordered this salad numerous times, I know that I like it with just the faintest hint of the orange sauce they otherwise soak the chicken breast in. The girl behind the counter's face has the slightest touch of Down's Syndrome. She's not quite there, but she's simple.

Me: Hi, I'd like two Go Active meals, with crispy chicken, and Diet Cokes, to go, and can you please put the orange sauce on the side?
Girl: Two what?
Me: Two Go Active Meals.
Girl: Go active?
Me: Yes. Two Asian chicken salads, with Crispy Chicken and diet cokes and can you please put the orange sauce on the side.
Girl: You want two Asian Chicken Salads?
Me: Yes. With crispy chicken.
Girl: Crispy Chicken?
Me: Yes. Both of them with Crispy Chicken, and can you please put the orange sauce that comes on the chicken breast on the side?
Girl: It already comes on the chicken.
Me: No, you guys put it on there and you always put too much on there. Can you leave it off and put it on the side?
Girl: It already comes on the chi...hold on. "Pablito, has empezado las ensaladas Asian Chicken ya?"
Manager: Pablito, esperate... Que pasa?
Girl: A el quiere que la salsa que viene en la pechuga...el la quiere por el lado, porque el no quiere mucha salsa.
Manager (to me): Senor, la salsa ya viene en el pollo...
Me (cutting her off): What?
Manager: The sauce; it come on the chicken.
Me: I know it does, but you always put too much on, can you put less on?
Manager: Pablito, el no quiere mucha salsa en el pollo.
Pablito: Ba.
Me: But I want these salads to be that meal that comes with the videos. The Go Active meals. Can I get two diet cokes?
Girl: Did you want anything to drink?
Me: Two diet cokes, and can you make sure I get those DVDs that come with the Salad meal?
Girl: A EL QUIERE DOS VIDEOS!
(Manager brings over DVD Movies, and I add "CORE STRENGTHENING" with Maya my virtual trainer to my collection)
Girl: Is that for here or to go?
Me: To go. Sorry about being so difficult.
(Girl rings me up, and of course gives me one crispy breast and one grilled breast).
Girl: That's okay, I'm not even supposed to be here anyway. Today's my day off.
Me: Oh. Well, I'm sorry. Try to have a nice rest of your day.
Girl: Thanks.

And... Scene.

I think my favorite part of the exchange was when the manager started rattling off Spanish to me that I fully understand...and, rudely, I interrupted her with an impolite, "WHAT?"

The moral of the story is, if you speak in broken English to me, I'll totally speak to you in Spanish, because you made an attempt. But if you assume that I speak Spanish fluently, I'll pretend that I have no idea what you're saying. Oh, sure, it's passive aggressive, but... don't make an ASS out of U by assuming ME speak Spanish, and we'll allllll get along and communicate juuuust fine!

On a related note, the other night Lauren and I went to Duo, and had a lovely time drinking a $40 dollar bottle of Vinegar Wine (why did I order a Rioja again?!), and as the waiter elucidated us with the specials, one of them being something involving three crabs, due to his heavily accented English, I heard "Eees a deesh with tree craps, in a curry souse."

Upon imagining three turds in a curry sauce, I almost loudly snorted with laughter, but I was able to bite the inside of my cheek and keep myself in check before the explosion as I felt it building.

Three craps. Priceless. When is poop humor going to stop being funny!?!