I'm a little slow today. I just switched to Sanka. So...have a heart?

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Best! Diet! Ever!

So, I'm not generally one to be felled by food poisoning. It happens once a year.

But when it does, boy howdy, watch out!

So was the situation when my eyes jolted open this morning at 3:50 a.m.

I was thinking a LOT about work. Whenever I jolt awake in the middle of the night, thinking hard about something, I know I'm in for an unpleasant day afterwards. Could be wisdom-teeth dry sockets, could be food poisoning.

Today, it was the latter.

As I spewed old food from every opening in my body, including my EYEBALLS, and sang a chaotic, jerky and un-melodic version of the chorus in OutKast's "Hey Ya!" into the toilet bowl, I'll elucidate you on one of my thoughts:

::BLEAAAAAHHHHH:: "Holy crap. Why is that so red and watery?! Do I have a bleeding ulcer? Am I going to die? Oh shit. This is just my luck. I have a ::BLEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH:: bleeding ulcer. Wait. There's grease floating on the top of my barf. Could it be ::BLEAH!:: ::BLEAH!:: ::BLEAH!!:: that those are the half a bag of Salsa Rio Doritos I guiltily consumed for dinner last ::BLEAHHHH!:: night? Awesome! It IS the Doritos! ::BLEAH!:: and the fact that there's a lot of grease on the top, means it didn't get absorbed into ::BLEAH!:: my body! Score! ::Garble.:: ::Spit:: ::Flush.::

This morning, when I weighed myself? 147.4! I lost a pound since the previous hurling spree!

SCORE! Only 2.4 pounds until I'm at my goal! Then I can start exercising to 1) maintain and 2) shave a bit more off.

Food poisoning + a hangover is an AWESOME diet. I recommend everyone try it. Oh, sure, it might also be classified as "Bulemia" but that's just for the NaySayers that don't enjoy the taste of their own vomit. Freaks.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to be very, very cold and very, very hot at the same time.

8 Comments:

Blogger MM said...

Male bullimia is the new black. Ur a trendsetter like Jared Leto. You're one pound away from the new hot skinny black jeans that every rock star sported at the VMAs. Tracy Gold and Mary Kate would be proud.

Jay...uckk! Food poisoning blows. Poor baby, so awful.

11:11 AM

 
Blogger Rootietoot said...

The only time I've ever wanted to die immediately was when I had food poisoning. It is a very expiditious way to lose weight, tho...for sure.

Thanks for the blow-by-blow.

12:00 PM

 
Blogger vidas said...

You better not be going manonrexic on me.

12:44 PM

 
Blogger vidas said...

Sigh. Lack of proofreading - 1, Vidas - 0.

You better not be going manorexic on me.

There.

12:44 PM

 
Blogger Laura said...

I can't believe you think having food poisoning once a year is not very often. I've had food poisoning three times in my life and that feels like a lot. Know what else is a fantastic diet? Having your jaw wired shut for two weeks. Sure you look like a freak and there's some uncontrollable drooling, but at the end of two weeks, you can say goodbye to those 10 unwanted pounds.

1:29 PM

 
Blogger SuperBee said...

Mer - I've been hoping for Tracy Gold's approval. Next, I'm going to drive my car, avec mon baby, into a ditch, while I'm driving drunk! Yay!

RT - Yes. I wanted to die. ALLLL NIGHT. And most of today. I love providing details.

Vidas - I'm ManLemic, not Manorexic. There's a difference. There's a difference. ::whispered:: There's a difference.

Laura - You were so adorable when you had your jaw wired shut! And afterwards when you had those Frankenstein bands nailed into your gums! Ahhh, Tenth Grade. Mem'ries. Okay. Well, I can count four times when I've had Food Poisoning. Fourth Grade, Freshman Year in College, Last Labor-Day (ish) and Today! Scooooore! So I guess that's just one more than you. And I'm a verrry, verrry adventurous eater - in that I eat in dirty places. Hamburgers, mostly. Or Pizza.

2:23 PM

 
Anonymous Adrienne said...

I don't find vomiting to be a good weght loss tactic at all! I get food poisoning all the time and it doesn't help me lose weight. I was really sick for almost a year and puked up nearly everything I ate and all I lost was 5lbs!!! That's it. It's a bullshit scam of a diet.

However, anorexia was genius in the teenage years. Mentally ill, yes, but Jer, you can't deny it, I looked GOOD! I could've turned you straight in those days! What happened to that girl? Oh yeah, the diet pills and lack of food almost killed her. She survived and is now fat.

Despite this, I'm pretty sure that I'm just going to start taking a whole lot of uppers and get all this excess weight off! Just wait until you see me at Christmastime! Me, on speed. It'll be HILARIOUS! And semi-terrifying.

3:43 PM

 
Blogger vidas said...

I believe the scientific term is "boylimia".

4:08 PM

 

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