Jews are an icky people.

Shawn, Elad and I all went to see the Miami Jewish Film Festival's presentation of the 1975 Yiddish-English Classic, Hester Street at the Gusman Theater.

It's always nice going to the Gusman Theater, because it's a restored 1920s Movie Palace that looks like an Old Spanish Village inside, and has a night sky with moving clouds and twinkling lights.

As usual, I tried something new, and as usual I hated it. Some observations:

1) Hey Miami Jews - shut the fuck up. Really. You can give your speeches after the movie. You can do your Q & A sessions AFTER the movie. You can give your awards after the movie. If you say the Movie starts at 8, START THE GODDAMN MOVIE AT 8, not 8:50 after an HOUR of boring speeches. I'm looking at you, Greater Miami Jewish Federation. At least this audience was vocally impatient with all the speeches, and the cheesy yammering, and the director's discussion before the film. Newsflash: We don't care. Caring about things like that is for WASPS. Know what we want to do? Get in, watch the movie, go home, have a hard candy. Why must you constantly subject us to discussion? WE DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS, VODEN!?

2) Hey Miami Jews - move the fuck out of the Doorway. The doorway into the Theater isn't the place to be ruminating about where you'll meet Debra. I'm sure Debra has a phone. Call Debra. When you're seated. And get out of my way.

3) Hey Miami Jews - oh my god. Your symphony of loose coughs, questionable fart noises, clicks, sniffles, and honking noseblows... sort of nasty. But the thing that took the cake, and caused Shawn, Elad and I to hightail it out of the theater mid-way through the movie, was the cudchewer.

The Cudchewer was a 78-year-old man behind me, who was smacking and popping his gum so loudly I actually couldn't hear dialogue because of it. Swear to god. A man actually drown out talking IN A MOVIE with his gumsmacking. I wanted to say something to him... but he was old, and I was afraid he'd die if I said anything. Also, there's really no delicate way to say, "Excuse me, alterkucker, but your gum chewing is giving me the schpilches, and it's distracting me, could you chew more quietly?"

So... we left.

Miami - 27, Shawn, Elad & Superbee - 0.

Maybe I'll Netflix the movie, which, was awful, but it was interesting to me to hear Yiddish spoken in a dialogue, and to read the subtitles and be able to recognize words. It's sort of interesting, because, as one person said, it almost looks like you're watching a movie that was actually made in 1896. But... beyond Carol Kane, the rest of the acting was awful.

On to the next let-down of an activity...