I'm hi-larious

A snarky blog comment I left recently. I must admit I am really quite taken with my self for having written this.

"Pink-cheeked and virtuous, the Gibson Girls of today face a threat that impugns their maidenlike virtues, and has already led to the ruin of many of our Fair Nation's young Misses.

Sources report that gadabout young bachelors and college boys are engaging in tomfoolery and chicanery that threaten to cause the destruction of our Young Republic! Indeed, they are adjusting the spring tension on Victor Talking Machines!

The resulting increase in tempo of those already questionable Trots and Walks now sweeping the nation, have resulted in countless hobble-skirts revealing ankles in a most-immodest fashion, as spritely waltz speeds have doubled as a result of this nefarious trend!

President Taft has promised his unyielding support of a bill currently wending its way through Congress to ensure that all wax-cylinder recordings henceforth pressed shall not play this so called "music" at any speeds above the current 160 Revolutions Per Minute!

Locally, Mrs. Clarabella Turnipswoggle, proprietress of Mrs. Turnipswoggle's Boarding Home For Unmarried Young Ladies, reports that the results of such brash and lewd dancing may prove fatal to our young Roses; as a direct result of such malfeasance, one of her boarders, Miss Beluthesia Arple-Woodley, 17, of Cleveland Park, was fatally trampled by an apple cart Thursday last."

The inspiration for this, I must admit, came from a list from The Onion while I was in College which had me snickering uncontrollably through half of my Sociology 453, Blacks in the Cities Class... -

The Onion, May 20, 1902

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MOST PREFERRED SHEET MUSIC SELECTIONS OF TO-DAY

"Up On My Merry Thresher"

"Won't You Please Imbibe A Raspberry Phosphate With Me, My Sweet Agnes Dear of Mine?"

"Ernestaria, Daring, Please Do Not Die Of The Dropsy"

"I Will Give You A Sweet Comfit"

"Our God Is A Vengeful God"

"Gaily We Prance About"

"March Of The Darkies"

"O Mighty and Merciful Lord God In Heaven Above, Please Do Not Smite Us, Your Humble Children"

"I'm Sweet on You, Oh Virgie Dear"