I'm a little slow today. I just switched to Sanka. So...have a heart?

Thursday, September 07, 2006

An Open Letter To Whomever Keeps Pooping in my House:

Dear Whomever Keeps Pooping in my House While I'm At Work:

Are you fucking kidding me?!

No.

Really.

Are you seriously taking a shit in my home when I'm at work?!

I'm dumbstruck. I'm almost tempted to take my house off the market and the key back from the realtor, just because you're engaging in such vile behavior.

Have you no shame!? Were you raised in a BARN!?

WHO THE FUCK SHITS IN SOME STRANGER'S HOUSE WHILE THEY'RE LOOKING AT IT TO BUY IT?!

I mean... honestly. Who? Who the hell does that?!

I'm not going to lie. I feel violated. Violated, and...repulsed.

The fact that I'm showing my home, gives one license to LOOK AROUND, and NOT TOUCH ANYTHING.

It does not give one license to pull one's pants down, and rest one's strange buttocks on MY PROPERTY, relax one's anus, and excrete FECES in my HOUSE.

Furthermore, it does not give one license to finish off a half-full roll of toilet paper.

Yeah. That's how I know this happened, AGAIN. Last time, you left me a "present" in the bowl. That's really nice. Actually...

That was horrible. And today, I walk in what sees I?! A once half-full roll of toilet paper...empty.

Ew.

If it's the Realtor - you have an office. Shit in your office. I don't fucking care if you're banging one out in your wastepaper basket. Not in my place. If it's a potential buyer... don't think I won't know it's you if an offer comes ticking in soon. And don't think I won't mention something about it at closing...

Whoever you are: you're a disgusting pig. Really. A disgusting, smelly, mannerless pig.

Know what I'm gonna do?! I'm not going to have any TP on my rolls from now on. And I'm going to hide it under my sink. That way, you'll be shit out of luck next time you go in to bust a dookie in my pad. I'll know where it is. I'll get it before I have to go.

But you... You enjoy wandering around Hot Miami for the rest of the afternoon with a shit-smeared tushie. You fucking sick bitch.

When I go into another person's house to look around, I don't even want to open their CLOSETS for Chrissake. And you have no qualms about shutting the door, turning on the light, and... oh holy mother of god...

If you've taken my GQ or my Details in there with you... there will be hell to pay...

7 Comments:

Blogger Rootietoot said...

Oh I am with you there. When I am househunting, I never EVER use the bathroom. That's like trying on their underpants.
You need to have a fierce discussion with your agent. They should NOT be allowing that. They get the fat commission for preventing lookers from messing with your space. Ugh. That is so wrong. Ew.

5:11 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just put a sign that says "broken" on the toilet before you leave for the day.

6:05 PM

 
Blogger SuperBee said...

RT - I have a sneaking suspicion the Broker may be the one busting the dookie. After all - free unoccupied bathroom, right...

Hmmm.

And Anonymous - telling prospective buyers that my toilets are "broken" doesn't necessarily lend itself to selling my house, now does it? :) But thanks for the suggestion... If you have any others, let me know. In the meantime, I think stranding them w/o TP works...

Yes? No?

6:19 PM

 
Blogger vidas said...

You could put glue on the toilet seat. That way, when you come home from work, you'll know who did it. And then you could shame them into giving you your full asking price.

9:14 PM

 
Blogger JB said...

Or you could leave gay porn magazines next to the toilet like my friend Stu. (Though he actually, *did* get some offers on the place... Maybe they overlooked that because of his kick-ass shower...)

9:17 PM

 
Blogger Rootietoot said...

How long of a contract do you have with that broker?
I'm still grossing out over this.

4:53 AM

 
Blogger Jessica said...

I am sitting here at work CRYING because I am laughing so hard. Thanks. :)

6:08 AM

 

Post a Comment

<< Home