Dear Grey's Anatomy:

GREY'S ANATOMY RECENT EPISODES SPOILERS CONTAINED HEREIN. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Hey Grey's Anatomy --

It's been a while since we chatted. Can I take you out for a colada? Great. C'mon.

Do you want a cafe con leche, or do you just want a colada? Me too. Good.

Senora, una colada porfa. Dos tazitas. Cuanto? Aqui esta. Gracias.

Where should we sit? This ledge right here? Okay, awesome.

Nice day out, huh? Yeah, I'm SO HAPPY it finally got nice... but I'm super worried this Hurricane Season is going to suck, because it's been so hot for so long...

Listen... the reason I wanted to take you out for an afternoon colada is this: People have been talking... and like... everyone agrees, you've been too intense lately.

Oh, c'mon. Don't get all defensive like that, I'm totally not trying to beat up on you or anything, here, let me top you off.

Oh, hey! How are you?! I'm doing well, where are you working nowadays? Oh, really? That's awesome! How are your billables? Really? Nice gig. Oh, a little firm out by the Airport, but I get great experience... Oh, I'm being rude, hey, this is Grey's Anatomy. Yeah, I know right? Well, I know people. Yeah, totally, hey, do you have a card? Great, well, here's mine, email me and let's set something up, Matt. Yeah, great seeing you too! Later!

I totally forgot who that kid was. Did I fake that okay? Good. Whoo.

Anyway, listen... I'm not trying to get you all defensive or anything, and I know your ratings have probably never been higher, but here's the deal - we're already hooked. You're already like crack. The American Public loves you, homophobic actors or not. I mean, you guys have McDreamy and McSteamy... what's not to love, right?

The plot and storylines come and go so quickly, it's not like we're NOT going to tune in, you know? And I think what really differentiates your show from others like E.R. which I had to stop watching, because it became too intense my first year in law school, is that yours is more of a soap opera taking place in a hospital, and less a Hospital, semi-masquerading as a soap opera. Does that make sense? You don't typically show a lot of gore and guts... and the stress is... it's personal stress, you know? It's not medical/death stress. It's drama stress that we all sort...of... relate to... even though none of our co-workers are attractive... actually, come to think of it, is there anyone in your hospital who isn't attractive? Besides the patients, of course, they're like grody, with blood and stuff...

Anyhoo, what I'm trying to say is this: we're all in it for the long haul. We love your show. But this whole ferry crash disaster thing? It's caused me major tsuris.

Hold on, I want to finish what I'm saying, but can you pass me the coffee? Thanks. Dude, this lady's coffee...it's okay, but she doesn't put enough espumita on top... When I make this, there's like a half-inch of foam. It's pretty sick... The secret's in whipping the sugar and the first press of the coffee. I'll show you once we get back to the office... I'll ask Maria if she'll set it up so I can teach you how to make it...

Anyway, with Meredith's "death" and Izzie drilling that hole in that guy's head, and that other pregnant lady being crushed under that pilon, oh, and that mute girl! The really cute one that you made us think was an orphan for almost two shows? That's CRUEL! And having Izzie tell George during her over-cheesy nominate-me-for-an-emmy speech about believing (by the way, that was sort of overwrought...if you want my opinion...) in surviving that George made a terrible Mistake by marrying Callie...

Dude. It's TOO MUCH. Know what I want? McVet v. McSteamy drama. I want to see Alex Karev and Dr. Montgomery nee' Montgomery-Shepard get it on. I want to see Adele take back the chief, and I want to see Miranda be the "taskmaster, but she loves 'em anyway" that she used to be.

This whole... gore, high-stress drama? Drilling holes in seizing patient's heads? Gurgling blood out of legs? Orphaned blonde six-year-old girls?! Ugh. I you have me hugging my knees to my chest and hyperventillating. I love you, man. But I need you to be a little less intense, okay?

And FYI, if you do kill off Meredith (and I read a Spoiler that that's what you're going to do...) what? She and Denny and Bomb-Squad Guy are going to be Narrators for the show from Hosptial Heaven? Laaaaaaaaame!

Here, you take the last of it. We gotta be heading back. Look, I didn't want to piss you off or make you angry or defensive, but I just thought we should have this little talk. I'm trying to get better at voicing when things piss me off. And for the last two episodes, when I've been seeking escape, and you've been elevating my blood pressure and taking weeks off my life... well... it's sort of irked me. I see what you're doing, and where you're going, but I wanted you to know that sometimes, status quo is good enough.

We cool?

Great. No, I'm totally not mad. Alright. I'm sure I'll see you before next Thursday...

Later!