Ted Haggard is a Screaming Queen.

HAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY GIRLFRIEND! I hear you got outed as a Queer, and had to resign your spot spitting venom about your fellow gays.

That. Totally. Sucks.

Now that you don't have a job, and won't be able to afford to bring the good blow, Rocky is seriously not going to invite you to his parties anymore. What? Oh, well, I'd love you be able to bring you, but... ... you know how it is.

But look at it this way -- at least you still have your loving wife, who you cheated on by taking it up the ass and loving every minute of it, and your beautiful children. They'll be a comfort to you in this, your time of darkest disgrace. You should be grateful. You have a loving and stable marriage, based on honesty and mutual trust.



I envy you guys, really I do.

I'd love to be able to have a model marriage like yours, full of same-sex infidelity, while railing against my own natural tendencies, to 14,000 frothing congregants, foaming at the mouth with Jesus. Buuuuuuut, thanks to some of the lobbying you did, it looks like that won't happen for another seventy years or so.

Oh well, no biggie. Anyway, I'm guessing you're probably going to pack a few Color Block sweaters, and a couple of your best Denim shirts, and are going to slink off to Homo-Rehabilitation camp. We're really going to miss the way you used to serve as CumPig at Rocco's leatherbear sexparties. You sure took it in the eyes like a champ.

Well, I guess this is goodbye. Remember, God loves all of his children. Even if you're now scum in the Evangelicals' eyes, and no self-respecting fag would step within ten feet of you. Just remember, there's always Heaven to look forward to!

Oops. Ehhhhhhhh. Awwwwkward....