I'm a little slow today. I just switched to Sanka. So...have a heart?

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Miami: Ugly furniture capital of the world.

In preparation for moving and being poor, I've been checking Craigslist for furniture.

I want a new couch. And I need a new coffee table.

I'm not going to get all "crazy" and buy anything before I move, but I want to see what's out there. You know, lightly used. If I can avoid paying retail.

The response, my friend? Not much. There are a few good things - I ran into a great West Elm couch that I would have bought for a song, but... sadly... no. Not yet.

Otherwise, Miami is awash with ghastly and terrible "Imported Italian Modern Furniture!"

read: Crap that looks like this:

Wait. You know what? I don't want to paste pictures of this drek onto this blog. I don't want to save these images onto my computer.

Go to this link, and poke around to see what I'm talking about. It's awful.

Along with ugly furniture, the grammatical and spelling errors are appalling. I've never seen so many "dinning room" sets for sale. I don't know what a "dinning room" is, but apparently, it's generally the province of people with repugnant taste in furniture.

Cheap, Cheap, Cheap n' Crappy is how I'd describe most of the "Contemporary" or "Modern" stuff I've run across. I don't know who the Brazilian was that came up with Brazilian Furniture, but I hope they burn in hell for eternity for what they're doing.

And then we run into the overstuffed beige leather behemoths from the 80s that should have been carted off to the dump long ago. Those couches have always reminded me of obese people with fatrolls.

There are plenty of pieces with "easily removable pet stains!" (Sick.)

And then there's the Latin Furniture Element, a/k/a the El Dorado or City Furniture shitstains that one runs across. The population of Miami, by and large, wants their furniture, large, dark, overly embellished, gilt-plated, multi-fabricked, and hideous. From what I have seen, the trend is to pack as much furniture into as tiny a space as possible, and then cover every available surface with pictures of Jesus, artificial flowers, Rococo-imitation style candy dishes and pitchers, lace, Jesus, hanging ferns in tragically un-ironic Macrame planters, Jesus, and lace, and fans, and Jesus. The overall effect should be dark, dusty, and should give the impression that it smells of picadillo and dog urine. This furniture is typically described as "unique" or "luxurious," or "elegant."

Now, don't get me wrong, the Jews represent themselves here in full force too. There's plenty of late-80s flourescent "art-deco style" poop floating around out there too. I'm just too lazy to find and link to the one I found. No I'm not.

Although this is my favorite. Bitch, you got that at Marshall's Home Goods for $25.00. It's not old. It's not worth more than $20.00, and I'm sad to think that some half-wit is going to see your used piece of caca and think, "Wow! That would make a great gift for my cigar-enthusiast boyfriend!" And then the dumb whore will give you a Benjamin for something she could pick up in the Ross at the corner of Douglas and Coral Way for about one-sixth of the price.

So, bottom line, people, is there's nothing good out there on Craigslist. I'm a Jew and I'm about to say what I'm about to say, "It's worth it to pay retail, to avoid having to sift through the spewing sewage pipe that is Miami Craigslist's furniture section." I know. Retail. Isn't that just awful?

And with that, I bid you Shabbat Shalom.


Blogger JB said...

That Ross is the worst. Blech. When I was looking for furniture I went to a lot of places off the Palmetto that you'd never know were there unless you knew they were there. (Like, north of the airport, but not exactly Hialeah). I actually wound up getting a lot of stuff from a little place called Euromobili on Biltmore Way, but I think the owner retired because the store isn't there anymore (maybe that's why I got some awesome deals...). What exactly are you looking for anyway?

8:10 PM

Blogger JB said...

Oh yeah.... one more thing.... don't buy anything leather in the color "Malmo White" unless you really, really like cleaning it with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser all the time. (It's really more of an off white, but still....)

8:15 PM

Blogger SuperBee said...

JB - Anything I buy in leather is going to be in "cappucino" color. I'm really into the chocolate and turquoise thing. (Although I need to see whether that's a smart investment, I think that color scheme may go out soon, and I need to see what new and fresh colors are coming in...) So no worries about a white sofa. I know better than that anyway, silly girl! :)

On the plus side, I know of all those awful little places in the Warehouse district... and around the Bird Road Arts district... so I'll do my shopping there too. Or online...

I'm just tryin', you know?

8:23 PM

Blogger Rootietoot said...

The 'pet stains' worry me. How do you know they came from pets? How are they defining 'pet'? For these reasons I don't do used or upholstered ('cept for leather) anything.

Is there a good Scandinavian furniture store there? Not Ikea- but maybe Scandia or something.

I'd say go for the choclate leather, then you can change the other stuff from turquoise to whatever easily, and the brown stays...just brown. Like blue jeans on your couch. Perenial.

5:30 AM

Blogger Alex said...

Chocolate and turquoise is played out dude. Even West Elm moved to the pistachio green and dark grey scheme.

I pity you my friend. Having furnished two houses I can assure you in Miami you have no choice but to spend loads of money for that kind of furniture. It's worth the investment (I know you are not in a position right now). I see you have already combed the Palmetto row. Your assesment is spot on, but believe me, African Americans and Anglos are just as guilty of the tropical rococo taste. Take a look at some of the furniture places along 163rd st. BTW, you forgot Modernage. I literally ran out of the place.

I guess you don't want to go the West Elm/Crate & Barrel/Ikea catalog route because you are even poorer than that? In that case, lots of patience, lots of luck in Craiglist.

6:36 AM

Blogger SuperBee said...

RT - We have SCAN. Danish Modern furniture isn't so hot down here, and, as I grew up in a Danish/Modern house, I tend to equate that style of furniture with the early 80s... that said, I could rock the Early Heroin chic furniture of Clockwork Orange and the Ice Storm (when done right, I LOVE that look), but I'd have to do all my shopping at the vintage boutiques on Biscayne, and that's too much $$ for me right now.

Alex - Oh, don't worry, my friend, I know that us Gringitos are guilty of some very awful taste in furniture. But, as the dominant population of Miami is from the Islands, and Central and South America, they're the biggest culprits. But I even dissed my own Jews for their terrible taste in laughable contemporary furniture.
(And I intentionally omitted Modernage and Carl's. I didn't want to torture my readers TOO much.)
I know the turquoise and brown thing is in its last gasps, but I don't want it to be over. I love those colors. Nevertheless, the only damage I have to contend with now is some pillows, a TV Tray and a stupid bamboo/balls vase in those colors, which are easily pawn-offable on some other poor schmuch (through Craigslist!) who wants to buy my detritus after I've redecorated.

I'll go to West Elm for accessories (if I don't get them cheaper from Tar-gee') but Ikea I need to go to the store and sit on the item before I buy it, because they're sometimes dicey, and we don't have an Ikea here.

I drool over Crate n' Barrel, but, that's muy caro.

It'll get done. But it'll get done in drips and drabs, as opposed to in one fell swoop. I like fell swoops. Instant gratification.

9:11 AM

Blogger Shawn said...



10:52 AM

Blogger Shawn said...

By the way, if you are interested, I have a really great coffee table - super cheap - doubles for a washing machine and dryer. I'll even throw in half a box of Tide.

10:55 AM

Blogger SuperBee said...

Of course contemporaneous, Shawn. It's a contemporaneous dinning room set.


As to your Coffee Table hijinks, nice try, again. But I'm not buyin' what you're sellin, i.e. a crappy, busted washerdryer! :)

11:37 AM

Blogger Shawn said...

Your loss.

1:50 PM

Blogger Japan-O-Matic! said...

I'm sorry, but DALLAS is hands-down the Ugly Furniture Capital of the World. I'm not even going to attempt to prove it - you'll just have to trust me on this. You don't want to know...

Someday, when you're flush again, go to roomandboard.com. $200 will ship an entire 18-wheeler full of furniture and there's NO TAX.

But it's still retail...

10:24 PM


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