I'm a little slow today. I just switched to Sanka. So...have a heart?

Sunday, February 06, 2005

I want the world
I want the whole world
I want to lock it all up in my pocket
It's my bar of chocolate
Give it to me...

I am a whiny, spoiled bitch.

I am. I am a whiny, spoiled bitch. And try as I might to change that characteristic in myself, I just don't see it happening. I want what I want when I want it, and if I don't get it, I pull a Veruca Salt. I might as well skip around in an A-line dress singing "Don't! Care! How! I want it now," because that's basically my philosophy.

"And if I don't get what I'm after... I'm. Going. To. ScreammmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMM!"

It's true. When I don't get what I want, I throw a mini-fit. I might sulk, I will probably pout, and you can damn well bet that if I want something from someone, and they're not giving it to me, when I finally make the decision that either I don't want to fight for it anymore, or that it's simply hopeless, I slink away from the person, determined not to speak to them until after I have had my temper tantrum in my head, rationalized that I am a crazy, spoiled brat, and have had a good night's sleep.

And it's so counter-productive. I spend so much time sulking at other people's stances on things, or resenting them for requests that I don't vocalize. Still. Why can't people be mindreaders? Is it so self-absorbed to want the rest of the world to read my mind? (Selectively, of course.)

I'm always trying to anticipate the needs of others, or what they'd want to happen, so that I can keep them happy. That's probably because in my mind, out of immense gratitude at my anticipatory selflessness, they will anticipate what I want and keep ME happy. And they don't. Bastards.

But there it is. Do what I want, or I'll be pissed. I've tried to change, but it ain't gonna happen. There's also the matter of the question, "Is anything wrong," to which the spoken answer is always, "No," but the internal answer is always, "YES, YOU'RE NOT ___!!!" I don't know when I turned into my mother, but I did. And it's a real problem. Now go bring me a Fudgsicle.