Read this, and adjust.

So, on my friend's blog, he was complaining how everyone looked the same at Novecento. And from what I read...ugh. It sounded tragic, and slightly behind the times. So, I left him a comment, enlightening all the straights out there, what 2006 is SUPPOSED to look like. Without further ado, here is your guide to dressing like a Chatch, successfully, and not looking like a douchebag.

"Gay guy here. Here's the deal: Light-colored striped shirts are officially overwith, and have been since, about, Autumn. As are square-toed shoes, UNLESS they are driving loafers, but if they're those stupid Kenneth-Cole-ish shoes...no. They're out.

You CANNOT, I repeat CANNOT count on a Cuban Man to be dressed correctly, as there's both a Fashion-Lag, and a certain Central-American je' ne sais quois that infects everything they wear and makes it just slightly too tailored, and slightly too "zaaah!" trendy, that it looks like it was bought in one of those retarded stores on Lincoln Road, or International Mall, that sell shirts for $165.00, that you can actually bargain down to $40.00. Their butts and thighs are often squeezed too tightly into their jeans, which flair out just slightly too much, and are accented by their overly-pointy shoes, which are too rigid.

The Colors that are in are Purples and variations thereto. As it's becoming spring, light colors are back. Shirts should have a repeating print on them. Paisley, and '60s throwback patterns are in. Floral prints - good. Jeans should be True Religion (COVET!), Seven, Citizens of Humanity. Diesel...eh. Although, I'll change my tune on that one as soon as the skinny jean trend REALLY bounces back, in which I plan on re-breaking-out my nearly 10-year-old collection of vintage expensive Diesels, and rocking them anew.

Shoes are getting slimmer and longer, with a more pointed toe. Belts are slimmer too. Everything is slimming down. Suits, pants, jeans, belts... me.

So there you go. I don't know what this "Red" phenomenon is, I can only think it is a late reaction from Banana Republic's red-and-orange heavy collection last fall, which, FINALLY, everyone is breaking out, just in time for reds and oranges to be...a wrong colors again.

I like this post so much, I'm putting it in my blog as the original. But there you go, BP. The resident gay is keeping everyone up to speed."

I will continue that a velvet blazer looks good over anything, from an ironic t-shirt to a tucked (or even untucked) solid-color shirt. It's mid-March, though, in Miamuh, and I have officially retired the Blazers to the Closet (and therefore, to obsoleteisity), and I guess I'll get up the chutzpah to give them to Goodwill in about 7 years. Still, if we get a coldspell. Blazers.

Sneakers can work too, if they're jazzy! (And clean.) But otherwise, a narrow leather shoe. A square toe ONLY if it's a moccasin. No boat shoes.

The end.

That John Lithgow. Isn't he just always so wry?

So wry.