I'm a little slow today. I just switched to Sanka. So...have a heart?

Sunday, January 07, 2007

An Open Letter to the Guy at Publix Today:

Dear Stupid Old Turd at Publix:

Hey there. I didn't know how to tell you how I felt, so I thought It'd be best if I put it in a letter to you.

Remember how I had put all my groceries on the conveyer belt, and said groceries consisted of embarassing things to buy like eggs (I hate buying eggs for some reason...eggs, corn and toilet paper), Jell-O, Cool Whip, and other embarassingly South Beach Diet items... And remember how I was talking to the Cashier?

And remember how, smilng, you interrupted me, and asked if you could cut through my aisle to get into the grocery store, so you didn't have to make that Everest-ian Trek past the far-distant Customer Service desk to reach your cans of Chili and Beans and boxes of Mothballs? 'Member how you asked me to back up out of my aisle and abandon my transaction, so you could avoid walking 50 feet in total? Thereby beinga minor an unnecessary-and-appallingly-ballsy inconvenience to me, for the sake of your lazy, fat ass?

And remember how I said, "No, you can walk around," while shaking my head and looking at you like you were a total twatwaffle? And then you gave me a shit-eating grin, conveying that you knew you were being a total asshole and that I had called you on your bullshit?

I just wanted you to know that I really enjoyed our moment, where you made an unreasonable demand of me, and I told you to fuck yourself. You made my day. Enjoy that Hormel Chili, and thinking about your adolescence in the 1940s!



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Not to be crass...

Not to be crass, but score another victory for Darwinism.

A lady flipped her car on the expressway today. Anywhere else it would be a sad story about someone losing control of their car or a tire having blown out or something...

Allow me to explain the gaps in the story:

Woman killed Sunday when her SUV overturned on the Palmetto

A 19-year-old woman was killed this morning when her car flipped over after hitting a concrete divider on an Miami-Dade expressway, a Florida Highway Patrol spokesman said.

[Your first thought is, "Oh, my God! That's so sad!" Yeah, anywhere else, it would be sad. Not here. Here, your first thought should be, "Alright. What assaholic behavior was she engaged in such that she killed herself?"]

Magalys Mendez was driving north just after 11 a.m. on the Palmetto Expressway near the Northwest 122th Street exit when her 2001 Ford SUV swerved from the center lane and struck a concrete wall that separates traffic, FHP spokesman Pat Santangelo said.

[Here, please note that a presumably unmarried girl with no children, who lives in Miami, is driving a Ford SUV of undetermined style, but I'm guessing it's not just an Explorer. Probably something bigger; like an Expedition, or that Gargantuan one. There is absolutely no need for an SUV in Miami. They're hard to park - all they ever do is smash into other cars in parking lots, and we have no snow or ice that requires a car the weight and size of an Explorer or larger.

Also, note that she did not swerve from the left lane into the Jersey wall; rather, she swerved from the center lane, through the left lane, into the Jersey wall. Because this is Miami, there is a high likelihood that the following transpired: while applying eyeliner or lipstick in the sunshade mirror, her cellphone rang. Her cellphone was either in her purse on the passenger-side floor, or in the back, on the passengerside floor. She dropped her lipstick or eyeliner in the center console, and reached over to grab the phone in the purse, because God forbid she should let it go to voicemail and call the person back when she wasn't going to risk other people's safety or her own to dig around while doing 70 on the highway. As she reaches over, she looks down at her hands, taking her eyes completly off the road, and, most probably, contorting her entire body to search for the phone. A bump in the road, or an adjacent car's honk (as she drifts into their lane) startles her, she looks up, and she's drifting over to the right, so she panicks, overcompensates, and swerves over two lanes, risking killing a couple more people, and smashes into the Jersey wall.]

Her SUV flipped over and she was ejected from the car.

[She's probably not wearing a seatbelt either 1) because they're "uncomfortable" and she NEVER wears a seatbelt (highly probable) or 2) because she unbuckled it to be able to reach back into the rear passenger footwell to get her purse and cellphone (most likely scenario).]

Mendez was transported to Palmetto General Hospital, where she was pronounced dead.

''She was not wearing a seat belt,'' Santangelo said.

[Yup. No seatbelt.]

No one else was injured in the accident.

[No one was physically injured due to her stupidity besides her, THANK GOD. That said, thousands of people sat in gridlocked traffic between 11 to probably 12:30 or 1 p.m. until they cleared all the debris off the road and Medivac'ed her dumb ass off to the Morgue, causing them to be late for lunch appointments, shopping trips, a flight from the Airport, and many other appointments, to which they either arrived late, or had to miss entirely, because one dumb bitch couldn't wait to answer her phone until she wasn't going to put herself or anyone else at risk to answer it, or get her messages.]

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Weekend crumbs.

It's been a busy weekend! So far my two resolutions for 2007 are doing well for me; I've lost four pounds in less than a week already on the South Beach diet, and I'm staying MUCH more active than I was for 3/4 of 2006.

On Saturday, I wanted to go watch the Horses race at Gulfstream Park, maybe play some nickel slots, and chat with some of the hookers that hang out at the racetrack. Instead, Aly and I went on a 20 mile bikeride. I, as usual, made us detour through a bad neighborhood... well... yeah. A terrible neighborhood. In my quest to avoid traffic on Collins Avenue, I suggested we bike across the 79th Street Causeway and take Biscayne Blvd. down to the Venetian Causeway. Bad idea. Driving down Biscayne at night. Oops! But because I spent so much time around there when I was with Stephen, the Design District, Overtown, and the rest of the Biscayne Area isn't that scary to me. Probably unwise on my part, but I'm as comfortable there as I'd be in Aventura. Probably more so, actually...

Saturday, I also went Impulse Shopping at K-Mart because I dropped off two HUGE bags at GoodWill from when I cleaned out my closets on Christmas, and the Goodwill truck is in the K-Mart parking lot. I'm the proud owner of a roasting pan, a stovetop griddle/grill, and other varied accoutrements. When I'm bored... I shop for kitchen supplies. Weird? Yeah. But it brings me on adventures, hereinafter described.

Saturday night was our foray into Art Miami which blew. Oh well!

Sunday I woke up bright and early, rolled on outta bed, STRETCHED, and then said, "OKAY, GONNA SHINE, SHINE!" (No, I didn't say that, actually.)

I lay by the pool for a while and tried to read Guns, Germs and Steel (It's so boring, I think I'm about to give up on it), then went up and on T.V. was a magical commercial about an APPLIANCE WHOLESALE STORE!

Not being one to ignore a "Carpe diem!" moment, I jotted down the number and address, and called to see if they were open. No one answered, so I assumed it was so busy in the store that they couldn't answer the phones, because Krups Pannini presses were FLYING off the shelves!


So, I did my Mapquest thang, and zipped 20 miles away.

And as I did that, I had an epiphany. Ready?

99.9% of Miami above the 836, is a TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, SCARY neighborhood. Where did I end up, you ask? Brownsville.

Brownsville is not a nice part of town. To clue you in on what kind of place it is, it's the area of town that has Martin Luther King boulevard in it. How do I know this? Because I TOOK THAT TO 95 after discovering that my Kitchen Goods Store was not busy today, because they're CLOSED ON SUNDAYS. (Confidential to all stores in Miami and Hollywood: Um... why do you close on Sunday!? It's one of TWO errands/impulse shopping days in the week, when MOST people are free... you really should stay open.)

So, as I whipped down MLK Blvd. seeing parts of Miami that none of you ever have, or ever will see, I schemed as to what I would do next, if I survived the trip to 95, through Liberty City.

Well, I survived. And I went up to Old Town Hollywood!

(I know, right? I was a SUPER busy beaver this weekend!)

Old Town Hollywood sucks. It has so much potential, but... it sucks.

That said, there IS a Transylvanian restauant there. Anyone down to go the weekend after next? I'm curious. I need a dining partner. I know one of you is itching to go. Lemme know.

Lastly, next weekend, I find myself off to Orlando. My friend Dan and his new fiancee Jordana are going to be in Orlando at Jordana's parents' house, so we're going up. It should be pretty interesting. Because Jordana and her father are Orthodox and practice Shomer Shabbas.

Looks like someone (me) is going to be the Shabbas Goy next weekend... I can't stand being without light.