Lois.

I have never met a Lois I didn't love. Loises are, by nature, cheerful accomodating old ladies, who smile easily, are patient and understanding, and HELPFUL.

When do I encounter Loises? Primarily when I'm on the phone with the Credit Card Companies, but I know in my youth, when I lived in cities that actually HAD little old Methodist ladies that weren't retired and were still workin', I ran into my fair share of Loises.

Loises smoke a lot. They have greyish-white short straight hair (sometimes slightly curly) nicotene-stained fingers, and a laugh that sounds like their dried out organs are rattling together - like a bag of half-empty porkrinds...

But I know when I've got a Lois, we're in business. I'll get something accomplished... and there will be a little light old-lady flirting to get something I want.

Maybe it's because Loises are whores? Who knows.

The bottom line is... in terms of old Lady names, I know I'm in business with a Lois. And follow up an old black lady when I've gotten warmed up with a Lois... watch the fireworks fly and watch me get my Credits!

November 20, 1993.

Today is the 13th anniversary of my Bar Mitzvah.

Some of you reading this were there. Feel free to share mem'ries.

You were all adorable in your braces and poofy jewel-colored dresses.

Weirdest of all - kids born on the day of my Bar Mitzvah... will be Bar-Mitzvahed next Saturday.

STRANGE, huh?