I'm a little slow today. I just switched to Sanka. So...have a heart?

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Miami: Ugly furniture capital of the world.

In preparation for moving and being poor, I've been checking Craigslist for furniture.

I want a new couch. And I need a new coffee table.

I'm not going to get all "crazy" and buy anything before I move, but I want to see what's out there. You know, lightly used. If I can avoid paying retail.

The response, my friend? Not much. There are a few good things - I ran into a great West Elm couch that I would have bought for a song, but... sadly... no. Not yet.

Otherwise, Miami is awash with ghastly and terrible "Imported Italian Modern Furniture!"

read: Crap that looks like this:

Wait. You know what? I don't want to paste pictures of this drek onto this blog. I don't want to save these images onto my computer.

Go to this link, and poke around to see what I'm talking about. It's awful.

Along with ugly furniture, the grammatical and spelling errors are appalling. I've never seen so many "dinning room" sets for sale. I don't know what a "dinning room" is, but apparently, it's generally the province of people with repugnant taste in furniture.

Cheap, Cheap, Cheap n' Crappy is how I'd describe most of the "Contemporary" or "Modern" stuff I've run across. I don't know who the Brazilian was that came up with Brazilian Furniture, but I hope they burn in hell for eternity for what they're doing.

And then we run into the overstuffed beige leather behemoths from the 80s that should have been carted off to the dump long ago. Those couches have always reminded me of obese people with fatrolls.

There are plenty of pieces with "easily removable pet stains!" (Sick.)

And then there's the Latin Furniture Element, a/k/a the El Dorado or City Furniture shitstains that one runs across. The population of Miami, by and large, wants their furniture, large, dark, overly embellished, gilt-plated, multi-fabricked, and hideous. From what I have seen, the trend is to pack as much furniture into as tiny a space as possible, and then cover every available surface with pictures of Jesus, artificial flowers, Rococo-imitation style candy dishes and pitchers, lace, Jesus, hanging ferns in tragically un-ironic Macrame planters, Jesus, and lace, and fans, and Jesus. The overall effect should be dark, dusty, and should give the impression that it smells of picadillo and dog urine. This furniture is typically described as "unique" or "luxurious," or "elegant."

Now, don't get me wrong, the Jews represent themselves here in full force too. There's plenty of late-80s flourescent "art-deco style" poop floating around out there too. I'm just too lazy to find and link to the one I found. No I'm not.

Although this is my favorite. Bitch, you got that at Marshall's Home Goods for $25.00. It's not old. It's not worth more than $20.00, and I'm sad to think that some half-wit is going to see your used piece of caca and think, "Wow! That would make a great gift for my cigar-enthusiast boyfriend!" And then the dumb whore will give you a Benjamin for something she could pick up in the Ross at the corner of Douglas and Coral Way for about one-sixth of the price.

So, bottom line, people, is there's nothing good out there on Craigslist. I'm a Jew and I'm about to say what I'm about to say, "It's worth it to pay retail, to avoid having to sift through the spewing sewage pipe that is Miami Craigslist's furniture section." I know. Retail. Isn't that just awful?

And with that, I bid you Shabbat Shalom.