I'm a little slow today. I just switched to Sanka. So...have a heart?

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Dear Golden Glades - What the fuck?!

Hey, Golden Glades:

I'm sorry, I have to ask this question - how is it, that you were probably the MOST EXPENSIVE AND INTRICATE HIGHWAY INTERCHANGE EVER BUILT, connecting I-95, North and South, with 826 East and West, and the Turnpike Extension, and 167th Street, and all the rest of the charming HOV, Bus, and Rail Transportation hubs, and yet, despite your obvious complexity, you utilize 1) STOP SIGNS and 2) TRAFFIC LIGHTS?!

Seriously. What. The. Fuck?!

I mean, are you kidding me?! I've never been on a highway interchange that comes screeching to a halt because there is a traffic light for an EMPTY PARKING LOT for a RAIL SYSTEM THAT NO ONE EVER USES, that cycles every minute. Wait. Strike that. I had never been on a highway interchange that came to a screeching halt because there is a traffic light for an EMPTY PARKING LOT for a RAIL SYSTEM THAT NO ONE EVER USES, until the first time I went from 826 East to the end, where it merges in with 95 North.

The first time I went through the excruciating experience, I thought to myself, I thought, "This must just be some temporary clusterfuck of traffic, that they had to throw together... this could never stay like this forever, right?! I mean, who's ever heard of a traffic light on a highway!? Surely, the crack team of Engineers who envisioned this Great Feat of Mid-Century Modernism and Speed would have known that a traffic light would... oh... SCREW THINGS UP!?

If you'd like to follow the map above, come East from the highway that cuts in on the left side of the Map, going East. It will curve southerly, take that curve. You will go in a straight line South/SouthEast, until you drip off the map a bit slightly to the right of the W (on the bottom of the picture). Fear not, you would loop West, and slightly north, until you come BACK onto the map just above 69 Degrees. You will stop at the light above 69 degrees and then you will take that curve to the NorthEast above 23 minutes, where you will wend your way back to 95, passing under the overpasses, and being cautious for traffic stopped at a STOP SIGN entering the right lane. You will hook allll the way out on that dramatic curve before merging onto 95 North.

Ghastly. That's the only way I have to describe the experience of going from 826 East to I-95 North. They did a pretty okay job everywhere else designing you, except for all the nuttiness that happens with the HOV lanes to the left and the Turnpike lanes to the middle at Rush Hour, because, let's face it, the major majority of people living in South Florida have the IQ of a bag of onions (or a box of hammers) and the concept of having to ease over one lane, let alone, TWO lanes is cause for a minor meltdown on most people's part, that causes them to come to a screeching halt in the middle of I-95, bury their faces in their hands, and break down in a fit of bottomless despair and wrenching confusion, until their sobs subside and they are able to see through their hazy veil of tears to merge over one lane and continue on their way back to North Miami Dade County... just as they do every evening...

But like... Golden Glades, for as much as you obviously cost, and the tens of trillions of man hours and dollars that poured from the Coffers of Miami-Dade and Broward Counties, and the Miami-Dade Expressway Authority, and the Florida Turnpike System, and North Miami Beach, and Miami Gardens, and Godknowswhereelse... you're...simply awful.

You're only as good as your worst interchange, and that 826 East to 95 North Interchange is a real Dusie.

I... I hate you.