Your away message sucks.

Dear You,

You're always on IM. You'd think that with the substantial investment of time you devote to Instant Messenger you'd want to express yourself a little creatively on it. But no. Your IM name is JohnM, your profile is blank, and your away message is either "I am away from the computer right now," or "I am currently playing a computer game that takes up the whole screen."

You. Are. Lame.

JESUS - I mean, come ON. Put some interesting tidbit in your profile - while I haven't changed mine a lot recently, it still changes OCCASIONALLY, and that's better than staring at a blank white window that says "No Information Provided."

But more than anything - as a service to your friends - change up your damn away messages. I KNOW you're away from your computer, that's why you have it up there. At least make it interesting. Detail the minutiae of your life. Tell me a quote that you find hilarious and sardonic. Give me a link to a website, where an obese woman sings the milkshake song while diddling herself and playing with her pendulous tits.

But for g-d's sake, PUT SOMETHING UP THERE, and while we're at it, changing the language of "I am away from the computer right now,"to something basically identical with the change of one word doesn't count.

Away message stalking is the proud pastime for millions of people worldwide. Why must you deprive us the pleasure, when we right click on your name, of the slightest modicum of entertainment? We spend countless hours right-clicking on names on our buddy list- many of the people on which we don't even SPEAK to...but we have them there because we like to read what they have in their away messages. I used to get messages all the time from people I didn't know who used to read my away messages, complimenting me on them. I can spend an afternoon right-clicking on people's names, monitoring what they're doing, who they're with, what's bothering them... away messages are a way of expressing yourself, so do it, g-ddammit.

By being boring, you show the rest of the world that you are lame, uncreative and unworthy of being loved. Ever. You don't want that, do you? I didn't think so. So - put some effort into it. If you don't, I'm going to block you, so you can't read my away messages. It's always "take, take, take" with you, never giving anything in return.

Ugh. You are so boring and you make me want to kill myself.

I hate you.

Love,
Me

I'm solving my mystery!

That interference I was complaining about that I thought was a ghost in my speakers or aliens trying to talk to me through the walls? It's almost DEFINITELY caused by wireless technologies! :) YAY! I now know this, because as I sit here, "studying" Federal Income Tax (you don't have to hear about it any more after Thursday...) my phone keeps ringing. And yet, I know that it's gonna ring BEFORE it even does.

Know how?

My trusty call-detection system (otherwise known as the thing that has had me freaked out for the last six months) gives me a lil' signal before my phone rings.

"datdatdat- datdatdat-dat-dat-daaaat-daaaaat" ::phone turns blue. starts ringing::

And there I am, poised, phone in hand before it even goes off, thanks to my benevolent electronic interference noise. I like to think of it as caller-E.S.P.

Hooray.

It's the little things, I guess, in which we find great, pathetic joy.

Kirstie Alley commercials...

Kirstie Alley commercials are stressful. I'm not kidding. I just saw one, and I am now stressed. It's like she's YELLING at you, because you haven't called Jenny Craig yet, and, when you actually stop to think, "Well...maybe...I -- should call...Jenny...Cr.." "WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED YET!?!?" "Ahhhhhhh! Stop yelling at me!!!"

All I'm saying is, like... does that work? To yell at your customers to buy things? Now I'm imagining an old-tyme grocery store owner screaming "BUY HAM!" out on the street at pedestrians... and those pedestrians dutifully obeying and purchasing his ham. Because he screamed at them.

ha. ha. ha.

Alls I'm saying is, what director said "Okay. Even though Kirstie Alley's enthusiasm seems like she's yelling at the customers, that's the final cut. My commercial is finished."

That guy is dumb.