Rule of Thumb for setting your gay friends up:

Okay.

Now that I'm single and almost ready to mingle, I've received a couple attempts to "set me up" with some "fabulous" guy that my friends know.

And I really do appreciate these attempts.

That said, why is it that my friends don't seem to know any attractive guys?

Friends: Here's a little hint for playing Yenta Homofeld, the Gay-Matchmaker:

If you wouldn't voluntarily hook up with him if he were straight, what makes you think I'm going to hook up with him just because I'm gay?

Now, that's not to say that he has to be attractive to be my FRIEND, but if you hope that the end results of your efforts are a magical couple that invites you over for Negronis and truffle foamed potatoes with crown lamb roast, I want you to look long and hard at the person and ask yourself, "If I were not drunk, and looking at this person, and knew nothing about them, and didn't know what sort of stellar personality they had, would there be enough physical attraction between me and him that I would not be adverse to grabbing him by his collar and doing him in a bathroom stall. (Note that the standard is pretty low. Not be adverse. Not "Have the irresistable urge to...")

That's not to say that I've ever done such an act -- (well, I'm going to shut up about this tangent right now...) but it's a good rule of thumb.

Because here's the thing: No matter how stellar his personality (thus making him a candidate for a coveted position as one of my friends) if he's not passably cute (and I have low standards, see, the ex boyfriend) there's going to be no spark. And then you're going to corner me in a bar and be like "So? What do you think?" and I'm going to have to be like, "Uh, he's really nice."

And then there's awkwardness all around.

So, Girls and Guys out there, that have that "token gay friend" (I know for many of you, that would happen to be... me...) before you want to set your "token gay friend" up with me, think about it.

I'm not that picky, but I'm also not in Enid, Oklahoma. I live in Miami. I'm young(ish), reasonably attractive, interesting, and comparatively rich. While I don't have a washboard stomach (curse you, situps!) that's generally not a dealbreaker. I have options. I know this. I don't really feel like dating them, but I know they're out there. I just have to dig them up. And my options -- they'll be some combination of attractive and intelligent.

But there MUST be a combination of both.

So, remember: Look at the person, and think about whether kissing them, and then grabbing their junk makes you throw up a little bit in your mouth. If the answer to that is "yes," then introduce me to my new gay friend! But not my new potential boyfriend.

FINALLY, MY LIFE HAS A SOUNDTRACK!

I just got delivered to me via U.S. Mail...

The soundtrack of my life.

It's Music for TV Dinners, and Vol. II, Music for TV Dinners the '60s. If you go on Amazon.Com, you can sample tracks from it.

I. HIGHLY. Recommend it. I'm about to spend a LOT of money on Amazon.com for 50s and 60s instrumental "Cha-cha-cha" type music.

Strange? Yes.

But those of you that know me... it's pretty close to how my soundtrack would be, right? It's basically glorified elevator music. Poppy. Zippy. 50s. Lots of strings and horns. If you've ever seen a 50s montage where people are 1) driving somewhere 2) shopping or 3) modeling a kitchen or a new tract house... that's the kind of music it is. Effervescent, light, and lots of stacatto string.

It's the kind of music that would go with a retro-modern commercial, set in a 50s Mod house, where everyone has a gigantic smile plastered on their faces. And it's all I'm going to listen to from now on.

Get ready!