Sundries.

...And so I says to myself, "Hell, if Lindsay can do it with Strawberry, why can't I do it with just plain Chocolate? And I did. And you know what? Screw Chocolate. Screw it in the eye... Didn't do nothin..."

Oh. Hello! Didn't see you there. Thanks for dropping in.

Hey. Let's rap. I got two things on my mind I want to share with you.

First:

The Sarah Silverman Show - is it just me, or is Sarah Silverman the girl you wish was your best friend? (Or Lovah?)

She's adorable, plucky, hilarious, and has a mouth on her that would make a sailor blush. I've loved her since I became aware of her on Comedy Central's now defunct show "Crank Yankers" where comedians would make prank calls to unsuspecting people, and the resulting conversations were acted out by puppets...

Boy. That takes me back. What a great show.

But I digress. If I weren't... you know... "that way," and, if I were... you know... a resident of Los Angeles... and if... you know... Jimmy Kimmel wasn't married (or practically so) to Sarah Silverman... I would totally try for her. And I'd win. Know why? Because I'd want to win and as Izzie Stevens taught us yesterday, if you believe, it'll come true. Or some bunk like that. Know why I'd want Sarah Silverman? Because she's Jewish Hot (even though she's got some big-ass love handles going on there...) and her comedy type is... well, it's mine. Deadpan and entirely inappropriate. I just caught the first episode of her show, aptly named, "The Sarah Silverman Show" on Comedy Central... and in the show, she gets an AIDS test to make herself feel better because she has a case of the "Blahs" and then becomes convinced she's got AIDS.

Now... AIDS is no laughing matter. Indeed, AIDS scares the pants on me (get it?) but there's something about Silverman's sunny, innocent, yet dark delivery that makes the subject matter lighthearted and gay.

Yeah, it was a pun.

Bottom line: if you know Sarah Silverman and can set us up, I'd totally switch teams for her. Yeah, it's a genetic impossibility, but if Ted Haggard can "do it" all for the love of Jesus (which is an unrequited and unreturned love as far as I'm concerned) I can do it for the love of Sarah Silverman. Because she'd return it... ALLLLLL RIGHT! GIGGITY-GIGGITY!

Point the Second:

I bought some Horseradish the other day. I bought it because I don't have horseradish, and I like horseradish. I should have bought red... but I didn't because... I'm dumb. So I bought white.

My Dubya-Dee doesn't carry the brand of Horseradish I'm used to. I'm used to Gold's red horseradish. I bought Silver Spring Gardens white Horseradish. Why? Well, firstly because it was the only kind there. Secondly... well... there was no second motivation. It was the only kind at Winn-Dixie. Goyim horseradish. I don't care if it did have a precious metal in the name. And I didn't buy their red horseradish because I thought maybe I'd want to put it in Mashed Potatoes or something, and really, the only use for red horseradish is on matzah with charoset for the sweet sinus-clearing sandwich during the Pesach Seder.

So, Silver Spring Farms White Horseradish it was.

This Horseradish has some sort of award posted on the front of it. Must be good, right?

WROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG.

I had cooked the last of the TERRIBLE kishka I had bought the other day, and I thought to myself, "Self, what would go well on this kishka?" To which I answered, "Well, why don't you try some horseradish!"

So I did.

The horseradish... sucked. It wasn't spicy or even flavorful enough. Maybe it's the beet juice to make the horseradish red... maybe it's that Gold's is the best horseradish... but it made me have an epiphany:

Any food with an award prominently displayed on the front - SUCKS. AVOID THEM. It's that way with wines "WINNER OF THE BLAH BLAH WHATEVER AWARD OF 2004!" Boo. It's that way with cheese, "WINNER OF WHOGIVESAFUCK 2007!" And it's most certainly that way with horseradish.

I mean - how can you give out taste awards for something like horseradish? Obviously there's good horseradish (Gold's) and bad horseradish (Silver Spring Farms) but beyond that, are there really that many taste components to, "Oh, I taste the horser... OH MY GOD, MY SINUSES ARE ON FIRE! AHH! AHH! BREATHE THROUGH YOUR MOUTH, DON'T GET ANY AIR INTO YOUR NASAL CAVITY... ARG! OOhh.. Okay, better."

Bottom line, and lesson learned - not only is Silver Spring Farms white horseradish TERRIBLE, and always go with GOLD'S RED, but any food with an award on the front is only masquerading behind that award, to fool you into thinking that the food doesn't SUCK, because good food doesn't NEED an award on the front of it. You buy it because you know it's good. Not because there's some goddamn sticker telling you that some Shiksa in Iowa said this was the best horseradish, because it didn't make her eyes stream and her nose run.

So, get your Matzoh and Charoset out and chew on THAT one.