Throat Infection. Day 3

So.

I am a very, very sick puppy.

So sick, in fact, I was elevated to Levaquin (related to the Ciprofloxacin antibiotic)...and after missing two days of work (I HATE MISSING WORK,) and calling the doctor today, to report that my throat had almost completely closed...

I was prescribed some steroids, and some Vicodin.

And I was told that if this didn't get any better in 24-48 hours, I would have to go to the hospital.

Awesome.

The thing is, now that I have the Vicodin and the 'roids.. I'm happy as a clam. Okay, not a clam that can eat Doritos, Triscuits and Chicken Fingers, and, okay, yes, a clam whose throat still looks like a Jackson Pollock painting, combined with Georgia O'Keefe's Red Orchids...or one of those ones...you get the idea...

But at least I can swallow my own saliva now, without doing a weird side karate kick and jab move. I was getting a LOT of exercise on this, because swallowing engaged my entire body. Now I just grimace. And hopefully, tomorrow morning, I won't even be grimacing that much.

I still have a noticeable bump protruding from the side of my neck. My uvula and throat are still so swollen that there's only about an eighth of an inch between the uvula and the walls of my throat...

But at least I'm high! And it's a legal high, so that's the best kind! Thank you, Doctor, for FINALLY prescribing me Hydrocodone.

It took you long enough. That 600 milligram Ibuprofen garbage wasn't doing a damn thing for me; I lie. It decreased the pain from "Throw yourself in front of a bus" bad, to "Lie on the couch, and contemplate throwing yourself in front of a bus" bad.

So, now I have all these fancy pills I'm taking, and I feel very important. Like I have real problems. You know, besides the breakup.

I'm really hoping I don't have a peritonsillar abscess that I have to get lanced, though. That would really, really suck. I hate going to the hospital. Especially for lancing things...in the lower depths of my throat. Bleahhhhhhhhh.

I've been gargling with salt, and eating lots of chicken soup. They haven't done a damn thing. The only thing that makes me feel any better are my steroids and my Betty Ford Quaaludes.

Anybody who's anybody is sick nowadays. I ran into my cute button-nosed JAP Neighbor (I wonder how much she paid for it..) in line at the Pharmacy. She told me she had the worst ear infection and had to go to the hospital, and they gave her Vicodin. I tried to relay my tale of pain and woe to her, but, because I sound like I have turnips in my throat, it came out garbled and hoarse.

And then the Pharmacist called me over for a "consultation" wherein she told me that my doctor had told me to buy Motrin when he called in the prescription. I did, but COME ON. His rallying cry is "MOTRIN! MOTRIN! MOTRIN!" and I'm like "Doc, that shit doesn't do a goddamn thing." For me, I've realized: if it ain't Augmentin or Ceclor, or it ain't Hydrocodone...or percoset...nah. not even percoset... it's gotta be Vicodin...it ain't gonna fix me up right.

Mmmm. Painkillers.