An Open Letter to Sallie Mae and the Kentucky Higher Education/Access Group

Dear Sallie Mae/ Kentucky Higher Education/Access Group,

I get it. I owe you guys a LOT of money for my education.

I get it. I GET IT, ALRIGHT!? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! ENOUGH WITH THE MAIL! I don't CARE if right now my interest rate is 4.7 or 5.3 percent. I consolidated. ALRIGHT? GOD, you guys are SO STUPID -- You especially, Sallie! YOU KNOW I consolidated with you, so, why you insist on showing me amortization schedules for my various Federal Subsidized and Un-Subsidized Stafford loans in the amount of like 4,500 apiece, at interest rates I'll never have to pay is completely beyond me. Yeah, I guess it's fascinating to see how terrible my life would be if I hadn't consolidated my loans, and to see that an un-scoffable chunk of my monthly income would be divided into like fifteen checks per month, going towards paying for something I didn't really enjoy (law school) but in that regard, it would have been amusing to ponder...once.

Not every two weeks.

I mean, really. Save yourself the goddamn stationary, toner, and postage! Why aren't your systems better integrated? Same goes for you Kentucky - you guys also both have it in your systems that I consolidated, so what's with the constant menacing-looking pieces of mail saying, "Your first payment of $622.99 will be due on January 1, 2006."

I don't owe you guys that. I mean, I do, about a hundred twenty times over, but we all know I'm paying these loans out over thirty years, and furthermore, we all know that in three sweet years, I'll be paying about one point five percent interest on them, so really, guys, ENOUGH!

And another thing -- even if I actually READ the redundant mail you guys constantly generate and send to me, it's all the fucking same thing. The only thing that changes is the date on the Notice of whatever... Booooo-ringggggg. And ANOTHER thing, Guys, I hate to break it to you, but I went to law school, I can sift through legaleze, and I have absolutely no fucking clue what all your mail says.

Some uplifting passages? Okay! Taken off ONE piece of maildated August 24, 2004:

"The interst rate is variable and based on the bond equivalent [Here's where I stop paying attention...] rate of the 91-day t-bill auctioned just prior to June 1, puls 1.7% during in -school grace and deferment periods (How about just saying Prime plus 1.7%? Huh?); [Here's where I file this piece of paper in a dark corner] and 2.3% during repayment. The rate will not exceed 8.25% The total amount of loans guaranteed by this guarantor is 65,625.00 including this loan. It does not include amounts guaranteed by other guarantors..."

Boooooooo-ringggggggggggg.

Or how about this gem, accessible to the average person: "THE GUARANTEE AND ORIGINATION FEES LISTED HAVE BEEN WITHHELD FROM THE PRINCIPAL AMOUNT OF YOUR LOAN. STAFFORD LOANS: YOUR LENDER OR GUARANTOR MAY HAVE PAID OR WAIVED ALL OR A PORTION OF YOUR FEES. PLUS LOANS: YOUR LENDER OR GUARANTOR MAY HAVE PAID OR WAIVED ALL OR A PORTOIN OF YOUR GUARANTEE FEE."

Well, thanks for the information! That tells me absolutely nothing. There's some fee? That isn't listed on here? And my bank may have paid it? Or maybe they didn't? Or maybe they paid a bit of it? Well, that's certainly great to know! Thanks!

Assholes.

The only reason I'm even aware of all of this mail is that you guys have sent me enough of it, that it finally innundated my ENTIRE HOUSE, and I was forced to buy a filing cabinet to manage it. I'll bet you're both in cahoots with the Putty-Colored filing cabinet makers of America. Well, laugh. Laugh your way down pressed aluminium stairs, to sit at your sliding chairs at your putty colored pressed aluminium table, and eat off your black pressed aluminium plates.

Because you know what? For every five hundred dollars I've taken out in loans, you're probably blowing sixty bucks per year of that on SENDING ME MAILINGS I NEVER READ. Think about it. Yeah, I want to be informed...

but I don't want to be deluged with undecipherable and INAPPLICABLE nonsense.

For money lenders, y'all bitches sure ain't models of fiscal economy.