I'm a little slow today. I just switched to Sanka. So...have a heart?

Monday, October 30, 2006

Everyone is stupid, and in my way.

Today, as I visited Publix for ingredients to make some Pumpkin bread in my Kitchen Aid Artisan Series Stand Mixer (WHICH I HATE, but that's a different post altogether) and went to CVS for some Sudafed with Pseudoephedrine HCL, and then Vicks and then Robitussin, I had an epiphany:


Here are some suggestions for keeping me from wanting to kill you:

1) Figure out how to use the credit card scanner. They've been out for years. Navigate your way through them. If you can't, pay with cash. Or admit your ignorance to the cashier so she'll do it for you. Otherwise, you're in my way. Get out of my way. You're slow and stupid.

2) STOP GABBING WITH THE PHARMACIST. You want a prescription filled? Go to the ORDERS counter, not the PAY counter. And quit chatting with the lady who's filling your prescription about Adavan or Advair or whatever you're getting. She doesn't care, I don't care, and you're in my way.

And a note to Freshmen in College - the ones buying condoms and refilling, what I can only imagine based on the white streaks on your face, is your Benzamycin zit-cream medication. It's just sad. You're not going to use those condoms. NO ONE is going to have sex with you. So stop making such a show about buying condoms. Because... you're not fooling anyone. Now... wipe the thick layer of Benzamycin off your face, and maybe, MAYBE you'll get laid. If, of course, you lose 20 pounds (at least) and get a haircut. You're fat, zitty and gross.

Oh, and get out of my way. And no, you can't cash a check at CVS without Identification.


See? See what I put up with?

THIRTY MINUTES I waited in CVS to get Sudafed.


Here's what all the Hooplah was about.

Here's the Miami Herald article describing what I had the joy of photographing from the windows of my office. Yeah, bitches. Relish my view. Some of you stare out at the blue waters of Biscayne Bay, the container ships churning down the Miami River, or Coral Gables, the City Beautiful.

I stare out at the Airport Runways, and the intersections of two major highway arteries in Miami. Jealous? Yeah. You're jealous.

Anyhoo. Article here, which describes what you're seeing in these pictures, wherein they took down a sign that crosses over a six-lane highway, laid it on the highway, and then pushed it off to the SIDE of the highway until they can figure out what to do with it.

Dolphin Expressway reopens after accident shut it down
By Miami Herald Staff

All westbound lanes of the Dolphin Expressway (State Road 836) are open tonight after being closed for several hours between Northwest 72nd Avenue and the Palmetto Expressway (State Road 826).

Traffic crews reopened the roadway just before 6 p.m. It had been closed since about noon, when a construction crane fell off a flatbed truck and struck a massive overhead road sign.

The shutdown of Miami-Dade's busiest east-west highway disrupted traffic during the evening rush-hour commute.

The Miami-Dade Expressway Authority had two cranes on the scene to dismantle the largest sign in its inventory, which stretches across all six westbound lanes of the Dolphin near the northbound Palmetto, said MDX engineering director Alfred Lurigados.

The accident that caused the shutdown occurred at 11:55 a.m.

Tomas A. Valdez, who drives for Sunshine Hauling of Hialeah, was hauling the crane on a flatbed, exiting from the westbound Dolphin to the northbound Palmetto. Valdez told investigators his truck was cut off on the ramp by a car, forcing him to swerve.

The chains holding the crane to the flatbed jarred loose, police said. The crane body dangled off the side of the flatbed, scraping the roadway. The boom struck one of four major posts holding the sign over the Dolphin, Lurigados said.

Authorities determined that the sign wasn't stable for traffic to continue passing underneath, so they closed the roadway about 12:45 p.m. Several witnesses said they saw it sway in the heavier gusts.

Traffic was forced to exit at Northwest 57th Avenue/Red Road, and seek alternate routes.

MDX Expressway Authority brought in two cranes -- including one from the same company that Valdez drives for -- to cut the dangling sign and catwalk from the remaining posts and lay it on the side of the highway so it can be reopened to through traffic.

An MDX contractor will seek damages to replace the sign from the responsible parties, Lurigados said.

Trafficky Monday

I stole this post from Miami Gringo.

I'm pasting it in. Especially as I look out over the Westbound Lanes of the 836 which closed this morning at approximately 10:30 a.m. and are still closed at 3:27 p.m. while I write this. (Bear in mind, this is one... no... is the only East-West route in Middle-Southern Dade County - 826 curves over at the Broward line.)

It has probably COMPLETELY fucked traffic up for a 10-mile radius. Here's a picture. You'll note that on the East Bound lanes, they're completely snarled with traffic, with the 72nd Street ramp full of people trying to get around this nightmare. In the middle of the picture, are lines (cranes) fixing a road sign that didn't come out in the picture because of the glare of the afternoon sun glinting off a corpse n' gator filled canal.

And now the post that I'm pasting in:

Here in Miami, one of the top issues people talk about is traffic. There’s something to be said when you see people regularly come into work late, and they simply say they got stuck in traffic and everything is excused. Had I done that in any of my previous jobs, I would have been reprimanded, fired, had my pay docked, or any number of other horrible things. Honestly, I cannot say this about any other place I’ve ever lived, but driving in Miami is literally a life or death experience. It is not for the feint hearted, nor is it a pleasant experience.

But take heart! There are driving techniques we have here in Miami that nobody else has even thought of yet! Things that will keep you safe, out of harm’s way, and allow you to enjoy the experience all at the same time. Here’s a quick list:

Did you know… that if you see someone on the side of the road you’d like to talk to, but don’t feel like pulling over, that there’s a way to do it? That’s right! No longer are we caught off-guard searching for a driveway or embankment to get out of the way — we have blinker lights! Activating this “best kept secret” of the automobile makes your vehicle impervious to creating a traffic problem. Furthermore, you can stay in the middle of the road for as long as you wish, because you have your blinker lights on.

Did you know… that the lanes on a highway are really only there for aesthetic purposes? That’s right! Can’t decide where you’re going or which lane you’d like to be in? Take up two! No really, we understand its tough to make a decision sometimes. Hell, if you’ve got a big enough car, just take up three, they’re free!

Did you know… that if you have a motorcycle you’re in luck! Driving on the ole’ two-wheeler is no problem here in Miami. Traffic jam? No problem! Just go between the cars and poof, you’re out of there like a girl and her prom dress. Seriously — one of these day’s I’m going to open my door right when a scooter is passing me, and I’m not going to be able to apologize to whomever gets the blunt end of my wrath because I’ll be laughing too hard. Not that he’d speak english anyways…

Did you know… turning lanes are really only a convenience factor? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is socially acceptable, even commonplace, to take your left turn from the right lane, or your right turn from the left lane! So remember, next time you need to make a turn, make life more interesting for everyone and give it a try! They’ll love you for it. If you’re not feeling brave enough to try it without training wheels though, for God’s sakes turn on your blinkers!

Did you know… when traffic lights turn red, it’s not valid for at least fifteen seconds? No really! Nobody will fault you for trying to make it through the intersection ten seconds after the light turns red — but you’d better not be there fifteen seconds after the light turns! That’s just rude.

So, boys and girls, obviously we’ve progressed beyond the limits of society here in South Florida, and have evolved a new way to drive. All of our children get tested on these particular techniques, among others, on their driver’s test. So to those of you that have children I beg of you: Please don’t neglect your children when it comes to teaching them proper driving. And remember — if they ever feel uncomfortable, just have them turn on their blinkers!