An Open Letter to the Guy who is Ruining His Chances With Me:

Dear Guy Who Is Ruining His Chances With Me:

Oh. My. God.

You have to got to dial it down from an eleven to a two or a three.

Remember how I told you I had to keep things, "easy breezy," and how you agreed?

Well.

Fucking easy-breezy. Don't call me at 11:55 p.m. Don't leave me saccharin text messages about how you long for me and how you miss me and you can't stop thinking about me and how puke puke puke.

I NEED SPACE, AND YOU'RE SMOTHERING ME. You smothered me from afar, and now you're fixing to smother me from anear.

Here's the deal: I'm on the fence about whether I like you or not. And I know that makes you think I'm playing hard to get, which drives you crazy and pushes you even deeper in love with me. What I'm really doing is trying to distance myself from you, so if I decide, "throw this one back and get to fishin' again" I don't hurt you, because I never gave you a reason to get emotionally attached.

But, you just. wouldn't. listen. would you? And you wouldn't take the hints, would you?

It's very flattering. But really? A poker-face would NOT be a bad move to pull at this point.

Don't return my calls. Don't leave me text messages, hell, don't leave MESSAGES when you call and I don't answer.

Then, maybe I'll become infatuated with you. Hell, I fell head over heels in love with a chubby alcoholic cocaine-addict because he didn't return my calls -- and you're not even a cokehead! And you're Jewish!

But the more you call, and the more you text, and the more you get jealous that I'm spending time with my friends, the less I like you.

Seriously.

That's why I told you tonight that, "You're not allowed to get jealous that I'm spending time with some of my best friends. I'd never dream of whining about you having plans with your best friends who happen to be in town, so you're not allowed to do it to me, regardless of how often these people happen to be in town."

You're about one inappropriately racist comment, or one irrational and unfounded ultimatum away from, "Yeah, I kinda think we should have some space from each other for a while."

I'm a busy guy. I have a lot on my plate. If you'd just make it harder for me, I'd clear my schedule and drop all my friends for you.

But eh. It says something that at this point, I'd prefer to be single and alone than to have you rubbing against my legs all the time, purring about how you want to, "see me naked." (::shudder::)

And you really had a lot of potential in the beginning. Which is sad.

I haven't written you off... yet.

But you're really trying, aren't you?

Chill, biscuit.

Lukewarmly,

Me.