I'm a little slow today. I just switched to Sanka. So...have a heart?

Thursday, February 16, 2006


I especially love the future whore at the end...SLUT! JEZEBEL!

My brother had one of these, the big clunky Sony Recorder. Yet another commercial I sing to myself over and over in my head. Maybe that's why I'm gay...and also like Pizza Pie and Macaroni.

Damn you Sony. You made me like Billy and Tony...


"Come on you guys, it's only a little..."
"Hungry for the BIG HONEY TASTE!"
"Big Taste! Honeycombs! Big taste!"
"Honeycombs Big! Yeah-yeah-yeah!"
"It's not small!"
"No! No! No!"
"Honeycombs got, a big honey taste!"
"Big, big crunch for a big, big bite!"
"Honeycombs cereal, part of this BIG complete breakfast!" (Like anyone got a breakfast like that growing up...try a bowl of cereal and brush your teeth, or you'll be late for school!)
"Honeycombs the BIG BIG BITE!"
(Guitar riff)
YEAH!!! (cut from this commercial.)


This, my friends, is another safe bet as to what's running through my head. That damn robot...BIG TASTE! HONEYCOMBS! BIG TASTE! Has it really been like... what? Seventeen years since this commercial came out? Shit!

I hate Santino.

God... have I really had this blog for a year now?! That's nuts!

Anyhoo, I haven't been putting in a lot of "Project Runway" action, because, quite frankly, I haven't enjoyed it much this year. The clothing has been "eh." The people are "eh."

No Austin Scarletts, no Wendy Peppers, No Jay McCarrolls... ::sigh:: boooo-ringgg.

I dislike Santino Rice with his beautiful skin, and his thinning, greasy, Jesus hair, and his mossy DISGUSTING teeth...

Although, I think he's sort of cute when he's being yelled at. But then I realize he probably smells like wet garbage, and I'm over him. And also I think about having to kiss him and it makes my stomach turn, because I imagine I'd come away with a piece of chewed beef or lettuce in my mouth, and that's just awful. ::shudder::

Oh. Wait. I totally had this blog idea today, and I just remembered it! It's totally creepy and morbid, and lets you into one of my inner thoughts... and no, they're not ALL like the one I'm about to share. Usually they're McDonald's commercials from 1987 about Hard-Nose Mrs. Hatcher (http://www.x-entertainment.com/thanksgiving/macyparade/1987/1987-mcdhatcher.wmv)
(Seriously. This is usually running through my head, and it has been for 19 years. It's a real problem.) or going through the details of embarassing moments from my life.

I'm scrapping my Santino post.

Okay. My twisted, sick and morbid thought... Now, disclaimer, I'm not a sick ghoul... these things don't occupy my mind... it's just every now and then it'll pop in, and then I think "huh..." and then it pops out again.

I've always been the inquisitive sort. I touch the button that says "Don't touch." I've accidentally tinkered with my computer's registry (BAD IDEA, DON'T TRY IT.) As a child I took all of my toys apart. I want to know how things happen and what makes them happen.

Now, this morbid thought that I have, which I am about to reveal, actually lead me to another less morbid thought, that, nonetheless, I don't understand.


After someone dies, and is buried... a while later, when the person pops into my head, be it a celebrity or a family member, occasionally... I wonder what stage of decomposition they're in.

I know. Weird, right? Like my Grandmother. She's been dead for five years. Sometimes I think, "Is grandma just bones now?" Now, obviously, I don't want to SEE grandma, because that would be a horrible, HORRIBLE, traumatic experience. I wonder what happened to that flower I dropped into her grave. Did it turn into dirt? Are there any recognizable pieces of it left? What will happen to the dirt that the flower may have become? Will it stay in place for thousands and thousands of years? Or my uncle Moe, who's been dead for probably like three years. Sometimes I think "Is Uncle Moe bones yet?" Did uncle Moe become a mummy in the cold Massachussetts ground? I want these people to hasten to become bones, because I'm concerned...I don't like to think of them decomposing, so I'd prefer that they got to the state that they'll be in, until their bones desintigrate, as quickly as possible. But then...what happens when their wooden caskets collapse!? I don't want that to happen! I don't want them to get wet! Or crushed!

Sometimes I think the same thing about George Washington. Or Humphrey Bogart. Or Queen Victoria. Or like... the people buried in those above-ground crypts in Medieval Cathedrals... do they turn into bones? Or do they mummify? And if they did turn into bones, did their bones desintigrate? And if they did, what's left? Dust? They haven't moved in 5 or 6 hundred years... are they literally just a pile of dust? If the dust isn't there, where did it go? Is it on top of that Statute of the Virgin Mary? What happened to all the energy that was in their body? Did it turn into heat from the bacteria eating it and then warm up the cold marble of their sarcophagi by a few fractions of a degree? Because all of the caloric energy that made them up has to go SOMEWHERE!!

And then, from tangents like these, came my thought of today:

Why don't living people decompose? What is it about blood flow and energy and showering that makes a living person not turn into a corrupt and bubbling bag of sludge, and then into dry bones? Is it because we have an immune system that attacks anything that wants to eat us? What is it about the chemical process of living that keeps us from putrifying? Why is it that when we die, we decompose, but when we're alive, we don't?!

Now, I'm sure most of you have never had these thoughts. And yes, they're sort of dark and weird. The ones about my dead relatives are, thankfully, never to be answered. They'll just be a hypothetical. I suppose in another five years, I'll think back on Grandma, and think "Yeah. She's just bones now." But then will come the worry that her casket will leak, and get her bones wet, and honestly? I have much more pressing issues to worry about.

The why we don't turn into rotting corpses when we're alive question -- anyone have an answer to that one?

Dear old guys that hang out in the doorway:

Hey Howie Cohen, Richard Meltzner and Steve Landow (all names are invented by yours truly and are in no way intended to be an actual person; rather, a stereotype.) -

What are you up to lately? Howie, from the looks of things, matching blue felt jackets with grey wool pants! A daring move, may I add, for a man with a 50 inch waist! I tend to like to dress up more when I'm going to Motion Calendar, but I know, I haven't been practicing for 30 years, and this is all new to me...so I still care a little bit about how I look.

Steve! I like your tasseled loafers! Yours too, Rich! Impressive ear-hair growth, Steve. You're really getting into that 55-year-old lawyer part, aren't you?

Oh, you guys are just standing in the doorway of the Judge's Chambers, having rusty awkward conversation, showering the carpet with coffee spittle and errant nosehairs? Mind if I join in?

So, Howie - I haven't seen you down at the club lately. What? You don't like to go for a nice schvitz anymore, so you can hang out in your towel, with sweat dripping down the crevices between your boobs and your chest, with all the other aged, hairy, yellow-toothed ,men with salt and pepper hair, and tomato-red, shiny scalps? Whaa? Yeah, me too, me too! A zoo! I tell ya, Well, I've been representing these banks that have all been bought up by Bank of America, and I'm trying to sort out what's going to happen with their small commercial lending departments! But that's boring talk! Let's stand around, and repeat things twice in conversation! Things like "Times they are a-changin, I tell ya, times, they are a-changin'!"

Hey Rich - nice move there, totally ignoring that young female attorney who just needed to get through the door because her case was called for hearing! I'm going to have to remember that move...you know, pretending like you didn't hear her say "Excuse me, Sir," twice, before squeezing between you and the doorframe, brushing up against you, and subsequently stumbling as a result. Sweet ass on her too, huh? Yeah, you remember those days? Eh? Wild times! Did you see the ass on that young attorney? She sure grants my motion for Enlargement! Nice gams too... Hey, did I use that piece of outdated slang for a sweet dame correctly? Sly!

And Steve, I haven't seen you since we tried that Toxic-Tort Case about the Cruise Ship Baby's Mother who died after she got a UTI on the ship! Remember how hard it was to schedule that Captain's deposition! And that opposing counsel, what a nutjob! And in the end, we got that JNOV? I tell ya, inflation these days! With the real estate prices!! First piece of property I bought was in 1979, and the next year it doubled in price! I'm trying to get into the foreclosure market down here...lots of speculators that are going to lose their shirts!

Oh, hold on, I have to step aside, because the Bailiff is trying to go out into the main corridor to announce other cases that are up for hearing, I just have to make some stilted conversation with him for a minute, so I feel like I'm conversing with the "commonfolk," you know ::whispered:: non-attorneys?

Full Calendar today, huh? Fuller than Marlins Stadium that time we won the World Series! Heh-heh-heh! Yeah, you bet! Hey, what number are we on now?

Oh, I'm 20... I guess that means I could go downstairs and take care of that other motion I have pending. I scheduled two at once, to inconvenience the maximum numbers of opposing counsel, and it makes me sound like I have a lot of important things to do, and am so capable and accomplished, that I can hold enough in my head to argue two different motions on two separate cases...

Well, listen, guys, it's been a pleasure standing here, talking about stiff, awkward stuff, that gives us our well-deserved reputation for being boring, arrogant and crusty... and I gotta say, we should stand in this doorway more often during a busy motion calendar, so that we can impede as many people as possible from getting into and out of chambers. I know, tripping and blocking attorneys trying to do their jobs is a great time!

You guys take care!