I'm a little slow today. I just switched to Sanka. So...have a heart?

Thursday, July 26, 2007

I'm a Serious Lawyer. I get Serious Results.

"...And that's why, pursuant to Title 13, ยง 435(Q)(II)(A)(23)(ixi)(c)(A)(yy) the Taft-Hartley act doesn't apply to the particular jurisdictional issue we're contesting in this case, as the Supreme Court's ruling in 5 U.S. (Cranch.) 435 (1801), in haec verba clearly would preclude such a result from attaching to the garnishee's assets existing at the time standing was acquired to bring the case, assuming, arguendo that there was even privity between the parties at the outset."

I'm a lawyer. I work hard. I get results. I graduated magna cum laude from a prestigious law school. I won't tell you which one, but you've heard of us. Everyone has. Rhymes with "Smale?" Now I'm working at a premier New York law firm. I won't tell you which one, but you've heard of us. Everyone has. Rhymes with "Madden?" Just for billing 2500 hours a year, I get a bonus equal to twice the salary of most Americans. I rake in more money a year, than most of you will spend in your lifetime.

And I have, since 1997, when this photograph was taken.

Because I'm such a serious hot-shot, I've been the face of Lexis-Nexis's sign-on page for ten years. And no, I don't think I look at all dated. I haven't seen sunlight since 1996 when I was a summer associate at "Madden" and I made a hundred grand over the course of three months, for building up the callous around my ankle where the leg irons that are used to chain me to my desk are attached. I'm still the face of Lexis Nexis because Lexis Nexis understands Serious. Value. And that's what I portray in my face. Serious. Value. While delivering Serious. Results.

I look professional, serious, up-and-coming and current. At least, from what I remember of the outside world, I do. Do you like my glasses? They're Versace. He's very "in" right now, since Andrew Cunanan stabbed him to death on the steps of his mansion in Miami Beach. That's a really up-and-coming neighborhood, you know. South Miami Beach. Everyone nowadays is wearing round, owlish turtleshell glasses. Do you like my curved spread collar, and the golden tie I sport with a four-in-hand knot? You should. That tie cost me $85.00 in 1997. That was a lot of money for a tie back then. And everyone is wearing curved spread collars. And high-waisted, tapered jeans.

Only the best for me.

And obviously, only the best for you, too. You're using Lexis Nexis to perform your legal research. You want a company that delivers results, like I do.

You know that results are all about quantity, as opposed to quality or relevance.

That's why at Lexis Nexis, they spill the whole bag of marbles on the table. They don't hide anything, even if it's not even remotely on point to the search you ran. And at Lexis Nexis, they know you'll feel like you turned over every stone, because after scrolling through 218 results, you'll be convinced that the case you were looking for couldn't possibly have escaped you. Oh, it has, because you didn't put an exclamation point at the correct place in the word, but doesn't it make you feel good to skim those cases that Lexis Nexis ensures are in the middle of every query, dating from 1903-1836?

That's part of Lexis Nexis' psychological research assistance, a proven legal research technique that will allow you to go to your boss, empty handed, and state, "I looked through almost three hundred cases, and there was no mention of our particular issue." He doesn't have to know that sixty-seven of those cases predate the technological issue you're researching; Lexis Nexis realizes that the importance of legal research is the quantity of cases you've deemed to be unworthy, as opposed to the quality of the cases that actually are.

Lexis Nexis is a company devoted to keeping costs high and delivering a low-quality, difficult-to-navigate product. Want to search in a particular Court? Too-bad, So-Sad! You're out of luck! But do you want to search a decision by a particular Judge? Van Nortwyck? No problem! You're in business! Do you want to know what cases were handed down on April 23, 1987? Use the Limit by Date feature! Want to know every case in Florida that has the number "20" in it? Use the Limit by Word Feature!

And with Shepard's (tm) Citation System, you'll be able to scroll down and see just how few treatises cite your particular case for its central (or usually ancillary!) proposition! There will be one or two Matthew Bender (tm) Brand treatises to answer every question that exists on the particular subject you're researching, except for your particular question!

At Lexis Nexis, they understand that profitability is all about infrequently updating the search mechanisms, and making the best available resources prohibitively expensive to use. Want to look through the table of contents of a particular treatise? That'll be $153.54. Want to run a search through a treatise covering, say, Space Law? That's going to run you $704.73.

For that money, Lexis Nexis will provide you with one off-topic result; but your local Lexis Nexis Sales Representative will be more than happy to arrange a tutorial session with you, where you will learn valuable searching secrets like searching the word "the" in a treatise, and then limiting your 1,675 results!

See, with Lexis Nexis, you're billed on a per-search basis! So make the most of your searches!

Lexis Nexis also has a full-time staff of professionals just a phone call away to help you frame your issue. Do you need to know the elements of a contract, as stated by the Illinois Supreme Court? Simply Search in the Wyoming County Court the following searchphrase, NOT using the "Natural Language" feature: chocolate w/3 bread /s "Flugelhorn" (Date: 01/01/NineTeen Hundred Forty Eight - 12/31/Three Thousand Seventy Six Anno Domini) /p "Gertrude Van Outen's Fancy Knickers" and voila! (and not) Galactic Space Shi*. The friendly professionals at Lexis Nexis' 24 hour helpline will be more than happy to lead you down the completely wrong path, that may waste up to eight hours of your time on an off-topic search!

Lexis Nexis understands you're a lawyer. Like me, but not as "serious" or "hard working" or "lonely." Lexis Nexis understands it's all about the bottom line. For Lexis Nexis. That's why all of Lexis Nexis' stock photos for logging in are at least four years outdated.

Because that's what you want from a company that delivers goods to a group of professionals, where being up-to-the-minute is supposed to matter, but doesn't actually, because having the most up-to-date caselaw doesn't mean shit, if the Judge has a hangover, or likes opposing counsel's tie better.

Do you want glossy new pictures of people the way they look now? No. You want to know that this coequal branch of the vast legal research Duopoly is spending its money to increase your search fees, not update pictures.

Serious results.

It's what I'm all about. It's what Lexis Nexis is all about.

Lexis Nexis. "Total Solutions."

I will buy a silk screen machine and MAKE THESE T-SHIRTS FOR MYSELF!

I need each and every one of these shirts. EVERY ONE OF THEM.