I'm a little slow today. I just switched to Sanka. So...have a heart?

Thursday, September 13, 2007

The little things in life escape me.

There are things that are, presumably, engineered so that everyone in America should be able to do them. Okay, most people, that don't have rheumatoid arthritis or are missing limbs and/or digits, should be able to do them...

I speak, of course, of putting the tab into the slot in a cardboard box of cereal or crackers, or any other miscellaneous food item that goes into a box; that, and ripping the cardboard tab off of a box of Saran Wrap, Tin Foil, or ripping into a box of plastic bags, so that the same may be opened and/or utilized.

I cannot perform these activities without 1) tearing the box to pieces; 2) spilling its contents everywhere; and, occasionally 3) slicing a deep, bleeding gash in my finger.

I don't understand WHY. I always try to break open the tab-slit in the cereal box. The result is, usually, that I'm holding half the box's top in my hand, and my floor is littered with Lucky Charms/Applejacks/Kix/FrootLoops/SpecialK with Strawberries/Cheerios Mixed Berries (I like berried cereal - screw you.) spilling from the box.

Which, of course, I then scoop back into the box, yelling "FIVE SECOND RULE!" even though there's no one else around to watch me perform one of my many feats of genius klutziness. It is, after all, a shame to waste.

You want to watch a performance fraught with risk and the human drama of possibly watching someone lose a limb? Watch me try to open a box of tin foil or any other box with a serrated cutting edge.

The anemone-like ballet of my fingers wiggling themselves under the box, and the gently undulating dance they perform, as they successfully rip off only the painted layer of the cardboard is a sight that should be narrated by David Attleborough.

The snorts of exasperation, that ensue, however, upon my realizing that I have only half-opened the box, is something straight out of an episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm."

WHY is it impossible for me to open box tabs and rolled-product boxes? What's my problem? What gene do I lack that the rest of the population has, that enables them to open box-tops and Saran Wrap boxes? Is it patience? I'm not a very patient person. Is it dexterity? I'm actually pretty good at picking up small things (Like wieners, ZING!) What's the dilly, YO?!

Or, is this part of a greater conspiracy by the cardboard manufacturers of America, to make us Americans feel clumsy and ham-fingered in opening and re-sealing our perishable boxes?

Think about that one.

I'm off to eat some Honey Bunches of Oats. And no, I didn't fuck up the top... I didn't even try to close the damn thing. I've learned my lesson by now... and there's only so much floor-cereal you can eat before you get sick of eating sand and your friends' hair in your cereal...