I'm a little slow today. I just switched to Sanka. So...have a heart?

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Dear Broward County Courthouse

Dear Broward County Courthouse:

I forgive you for being confusing... but that's only because I've mastered your system now, to the point where I can maneuver through your maze of buildings, connected only on certain floors, with Departments in limbo (no way to get to them from inside the building, rather, you must go outside and walk around the building to get to them) -- hell, I gave two lost people directions today! That made me feel good.

What didn't make me feel good, and what I'm working on forgiving you for, is being unacceptably hot.

You're like a steam room.

Your regular employees... are wilting. And so are your lawyers. So much for ironed shirts.

Um... I realize there's a "water crisis" and blah-blah-blahdy-blah blah, and that air conditioning systems use water yhadda-yhadda-yhadda, but... c'mon.

The lawyers in the building are running around in suits and ties, carrying heavy redwells full of heavy paper... AND THEY'RE STRESSED. THEY'RE RUNNING ON ADRENALINE, WHICH RAISES THEIR BODY TEMPERATURES!

And everyone else... eh. Let's face it, I really don't care about anyone else but myself, so why make any pretense?

I guess the point I'm trying to make is, does it have to be 85 degrees inside with 78% humidity?

It's so hot, the booze-stench of the criminal gallery spectators lingers well after they've watched their loved ones lead away in shackles and decended what I like to call the "Escalator of Broken Dreams" from the second floor, to Room 130.

I left Court... drenched. Not from stress. From walking and from the fact that it feels like a Turkish hammam in your "venerable" corridors.

Seriously - the afterbooze smell alone should make you want to do something. Are you proud to have a Courthouse that smells like a Bar at 9:47 in the morning? I daresay if you wicked some of that exhaled alcohol out of the air with AIR CONDITIONING the problem would likely go away... unlike that problem you guys have with sewage pipes bursting, but I digress...

And FURTHERMORE, many of the people working in your building are JEWS! We're a sweaty people! Victor Tobin? Jewish! Dishowitz? Jewish! Eade? Possibly Jewish! Trachman? Probably Jewish! Jew! Jew! Jew! And don't get me started on the attorneys! JEWJEWJEWJEWJEWJEWJEWJEWJEW.

We run hot, the Jews. We need the A/C. When Jews get hot, they get cranky, and sometimes, they plotz. I don't like cranky judges, and I don't like plotzing.

You don't want people plotzing in chambers. And you certainly don't want attorneys dripping all over the Court files. (Sorry I made the Order I was bringing to the Clerk's office a little soggy. I was hot.)

You're a public building. I know you have to "save costs" and "do your part" but do it some other way, huh? Motion sensor lights? ... ... .... that's all I got for you.

But for the love of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, TURN UP THE AIR CONDITIONING.

Respectfully submitted,