I'm a little slow today. I just switched to Sanka. So...have a heart?

Monday, February 13, 2006

Yet another reason why Miami is retarded:

It's sort of like meatloaf. An old standby for the ole' blog when yer feelin' a lil' uncreative...

Just throw another reason out there why Miami sucks, and BOOM! Instant great blog! ESJ has covered going to Pube-Licks, and being frustrated when you find that once again, they're out of...oh..I don't know... Milk? Flour? Salt? And Vidas has covered being downtown in the Piss-Stink And Sore-Crusted-Yellow-Front-Of-The-Pants'ed Capital of the World, besides...Moscow.

So... now that Stephen's been gone for a while, I'm gettin' back into Goin' Out! WHOO! OUT! CLUBS! BARS! NIGHTLIFE!

I'm not sure whether they have this rule in the rest of the world, probably because whenever I go out somewhere else, I'm usually 1) with a gaggle of girls, or 2) not going to some hizzy spizzy (hot spot)...so either way my issue isn't a huge deal...anywhere else.

Miami velvet ropes. And the Girl Rule.


Apparently, there's some secret place in Miami, where all the trolls that bounce at Rok Bar and Automatic Slim's (Honey, I'm talking to you, you filthy bitch. You're as ugly as your disposition. I hope next time you're rocking some jeans of dubious pedigree, they spontaneously combust, burning your thighs and ugly vagina beyond recognition, you smarmy, beanpole bitch. "How many guys? No, I'm sorry. If you want to come into Automatic Slim's you'll have to buy a bottle." A bottle Honey? A bottle? Two Bottles? To get into fucking SLIM'S!? It's a good thing usually it's easy to get into your boring bar...) and the now-defunct Rumi and Mynt and etc. hang out. And they manage to know people... If I had to guess where that place was, I'd have to guess Drexel and Seventh Street... or maybe (bongos! bongos! steel pan! Marracas! Trumpets!) Calle Ocho y La Avenida Veinte Siete! (Cha-Cha-chakka-chakka Ay! Dios mio! No tengo platanitos! Quien me vendre mariquitas? El Lechon esta quemada, y bien seca! chaka-chaka-chaka Pum! Pum! Pum!) Doubtless some place that smells of dirty diapers and standing water and rancid meat, where the populous wakes up at 12:30 p.m. to the wail of a police siren, and goes to eat some arroz con pollo off a sticky countertop as fruitflies electrify the air...

Well. I don't know where this place is. And I'd like to. I'd like to have "a friend." I'd like to "know someone who works there." Apparently, having a white collar job, and not spending all of my time hanging out with my drug dealer, or building killer abs at the gym, or pissing my life away working at Segafredo as my dayjob, and fucking old married guys at night for coke and a little spending money means that I don't "know people" at the doors.

Which only means one thing - because I don't look like an Izod model, to get into places, I have to go when they first open. And I need to at least have one girl for every guy. That's pretty standard...I mean, I've definitely been to every place on the beach (Except Opium, for some reason...) but it's sooooooooooo annoying! The PLANNING, and the RATIO...

My god! Because I don't know Tony, or Sal or Javier or whomever, it's sort of a pain to get into places... we manage... but meh. It's such a trying experience! All I want to do is get in so I can spend LOTS of money there? Why make it so difficult?

Part II of this post will examine why bars are actually being completely retarded by enforcing a "girl quota"...

Okay. Part II.

Now, I realize that no bar wants to turn into a "Sausage Fest..." but honestly, if you think about it, it's Miami. Groups of EVERYONE is going out to get drunk. So by letting in guys, it's not like you're going to have only guys and no girls.

Also... Even if there are a lot of guys somewhere... I've never heard of a girl going "Ugh. There are too many guys here!" See? It works both ways!

Lastly -- I don't know if you've noticed, but guys drink a LOT more than girls do! They're more likely to be buying shots (AMAZINGLY OVERINFLATED PROFIT MARGIN) and I don't know of a guy that can go out and not spend at least 60 bucks per night. Girls can squeak by with $30. Also, guys BUY girls drinks. Girls don't buy them themselves. Guys are also clumsier and more likely to drop their drinks, thereby needing NEW ones! The more guys you let in, the more MONEY YOU WILL MAKE.

And let's face it - it's South Beach. You'll be cool for maybe two years, TOPS. Afterwhich time, you'll go the way of Honey (not the bouncer...the defunct club) and Rumi, and Nerve...and State and ain't it better to get while the goin's good, instead of only letting in girls who won't drink as much, and are fickle anyway!?

Your door policies are stupid and arbitrary. Not only that, I don't understand how they don't smack of sex discrimination! I mean, if you can't severely restrict one sex in a private workplace, I don't understand how you can with a door policy.

I guess it's just a good think that I'm normally out with a large group of girls. :)