This morning...

This morning was seriously hilarious, y'all.

I even knew a kid in the gallery... of COURSE he missed my award winning performance, wherein I essentially told the court I didn't care whether my client was evicted, I just wanted to get the hell out of his case and staunch the bleeding...

But many other people saw my panicked and adrenaline-fueled argument to the Court where first, Plaintiff was all like "Hi, Your Honor, I have a Summary Judgment Motion..."

To which the Court was like, "MEAN! MEAN! ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH SUMMARY JUDGMENT IN FIVE MINUTES! YOU'RE CRAZY! I'M BUSY!"

To which PLAINTIFF was all like "It's a five minute motion, your Honor,"

To which the Court was like, I'M NOT HEARING THAT, GET OUT OF MY COURT!"

To which I was all like, "BLEHBLEHBLEHBLEHBLEHBLEH WITHDRAW BLEHBLEHBLEH CONSENT BLEHBLEHBLEH PLAINTIFF HAS NOTICED HIS SUMMARY JUDGMENT MOTION FOR THREE DATES AND I DON'T KNOW WHEN IT'S BEING HEARD BLEAHBBLEAHBLEAH LET ME OUT OF THIS CRAZY THING!"

To which Plaintiff (two years older than me) replied, "StatuteStatuteStatute Didn't pay rent StauteStatuteStatute Right to immediate possession and Defendant has waived all defenses,"

To which the Court said to me, "MEAN!MEAN!MEAN! YOUR CLIENT IS WRONG! MEAN!MEAN!MEAN! HE'S OUTTA THERE! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY!?"

To which I said, "Your Honor, I would have to defer to the Court's judgment on the matter."

Schweet.

To which the Court said, "MEAN!MEAN! YOUR CLIENT IS OUT OF THERE! PLAINTIFF'S MOTION IS GRANTED! GOOD BYE!"

To which I said, "BLEAHBLEAHBLEAH WHAT ABOUT MY MOTION TO WITHDRAW! WE WANT OUT!"

To which the Court said, "MEAN! MEAN! I CAN'T ENTER TWO ORDERS ON THE SAME DAY, COME BACK LATER, GOOD BYE! GET OUT OF MY COURT!"

To which I said, "OMG OMG OMG OMG YOUR HONOR, EVERY ONE IS IN AGREEMENT WE CAN GET OUT OF THIS THING!"

To which Plaintiff replied, "I have no objection, your Honor."

To which I replied, "BLEAH BLEAH AGREED ORDER, CAN YOU ENTER IT NOW!?"

To which the Court replied, "MEAN! MEAN! MUST BE POST-DATED FROM TODAY! GOOD BYE!"

To which I replied, "BLEAH BLEAH WHAT DO I DO, YOUR HONOR, CAN I COME BY TOMORROW! I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!"

To which the Court was like, "MEAN! MEAN! BEMUSED BY MY PANIC! SET IT FOR ANOTHER DATE!"

And I was like "THANK YOU!"

And the Court Reporter, who, at at least three different occasions had thought she was done, was FINALLY allowed to stop typing.

So, I'm going to Court tomorrow morning to drop it off and butter up the Judicial Assistant to get out of that case.

Hi-larious. It was awesome. I actually sort of had fun up there being like, "BUT C'MON!"

Although, I'm learning that "But C'MON!" is only for the record... Judges never change their mind. It's just so when you have to show your Client what happened, they aren't like, "YOU DIDN'T TRY HARD ENOUGH!"

Because, you know... you begged.

And it takes a lot of balls to beg some angry person to change their mind. Because... judges can be verrrry tempermental.

And I'm done with this topic.

Crash. Burn.

This morning was, to use a legal term of art, a "shit-show."

YIKES!

Who knew I would be able to talk so fast to a judge... and who knew I had the balls to interrupt her and keep talking after she made her ruling...

Didn't get me anywhere, but I've got some stones.