Target doesn't care.

Target. Remember when Target exploded across the scene? Remember when all we had before was Caldor and Bradlee's and McCrory and K-Mart (if I'm leaving any of them out, I apologize)? And they smelled like 1976, and they had lighting that could make the healthiest of bronzed complexions look sallow and hepatitic, and they had brown, orange and white linoleum tile floors, that were coming loose, and bore the scars and memories of the combined effects of 25 years worth of store rearrangement?

And remember how they had nothing good in them ever, and everything you would buy in them would make your house smell like Eastertime at the Drug store?

And remember how it was embarassing that you might purchase items there, and "YOU BOUGHT YOUR SHOES AT K-MART" was one of the ultimate insults?

And then, remember how it was the first time you went into a Target?

And remember how clean and bright, and bountiful it seemed? Oh, you need a knife to cut the cork off your cork tree? Aisle 37. Home cement making kit? That'll be in tools, aisles 73-85. A small taiwanese woman to simultaneously dye silk thread in whatever color you want, while frying you some tempura and giving you a hot shave? Check back in the Home Goods department, between aisles 254-255.

And remember how they had EVERYTHING you wanted?

Is it still like that? Not down here. I think Target stopped trying.

Okay. Yes, basically they have everything I need and want still, but the stores don't look as meticulously kept and a chorus line of Lithium-happy Target Employees no longer performs prancing high-kicks down the main aisles, while sweeping the floors and harmonizing about weekly specials.

I'm a little disillusioned.

Maybe it's just Miami, where everything's grungy, and no one gives two shits about a job well done, because they're tired and waiting for their cigarette and colada break and coño, just shut up, and that's not in my job description, y no hablo ingles, hablas español?, and so what if I dropped it, I'm not walking all the way to the back of the store to get a new one and put it on the shelf...

But Target's lost its luster, for me, anyway. They have a fantastic little T-shirt collection where I have actually found some good ironic t-shirts; which would be great... if I was an XXXL. Because in every Target I've been to (three, possibly four) down here, that's all they have. XXXL. You'd think that someone might think to order some smalls and mediums, but noooo. XXXL. Because everyone wants to see some 400 pound fattie walking around in a vintage-looking Sprite or Vote for Pedro t-shirt. Yeah. That's just want I want to see. Idiots.

Also, Target has some absolutely amazing furniture coming out. It's sort of Mod-mid-20th Century, that could be classed up with a substition of hardware, and made to look really expensive... if it weren't for the fact that each of the boxes of the "MODERN SIDEBOARD" looks like they've been dropped into the store via air-lift. Without a parachute. Ugh. I think by far the biggest tragedy is the fact that Target has some fantastic dark brown or black box wall shelving units, very "West-Elmy" that might even be worth the seventy dollars they have the audacity to charge... And the might even be worth that seventy dollars... if there was a fucking shelf in the store that didn't look like it had been punted down the entire length of the emergency stairwell of the Sears Tower. Who the hell is going to shell out almost a hundred clams for a heavily scuffed and dented piece of furniture that's not reduced from, let's say, 800 bucks? What good does that do anybody? I'm pissed because a great piece of furniture is unbuyable, and you're pissed because you can't move that beat up piece of shit.

Hey, Target -- try taking a little pride in yourself again, okay? You have Todd Oldham and Isaac Mizrahi and some other guy with great taste designing stuff for your store, and the stuff they're designing almost looks like it wasn't bought at a 5 and Dime store. You could be selling the shit out of those things... (Gays everywhere find an attractive and reasonably priced sideboard practically irresistable...) if you taught your employees that, "If you scuff up the furniture that you put out there for the customers, you're gonna get your lazy ass fired, and then how are you going to fill your 1992 Honda Civic with enough gas to make that rumble you like so well, coming out of your 'noise creating' muffler, you dumb piece of shit..."

C'mon, Target. What ever happened to those laden shelves, threatening to collapse under the weight of all of your irresistable merchandise? There was a time I couldn't walk into your store, without walking out and spending a hundred fifty dollars. Now, you're lucky if you get forty bucks out of me... and that's just becauseI bought things in bulk (Vitamins, Disposable Cameras...)

What ever happened to that, "I could eat off this floor, or this candle, or this box of Velcro" feeling I used to get when I walked into your store? Where are the turquoise and chocolate pillows I've been trolling your store for, so that I can paint my damn red walls brown and blue? Why don't you ever have an unscuffed pair of fancy wall shelves, or interesting inverted-pyramid-on-top-of-right-side-up-pyramid seat-itoes that I've been itching to buy, but won't because they're missing a CORNER? Why do none of your employees speak English? Isn't that a BFOQ? (Bona fide occupational qualification)? Why don't you sell cigarettes anymore? And what's with selling the food, Target? I'm perfectly happy buying groceries in a grocery stores, and no, I'm not buying Doritos, Soda and Beans at Target with a lamp and and a potted plant - it just feels dirty to do that.

If you keep this up, I'm going to be forced to spend my money in more expensive, smaller stores, that have less of a variety of things, but a wider selection of "non-irreparably-damaged" goods.

I mean, I'm really not asking so much, am I? Just some singing salespeople, a little panache, and maybe a piece of buyable furniture every now and then?

I just saved a shit ton of money.

I never framed my College Diploma. It was only about 5.5"x 8", so it was like "what's the point?" It was really freakin' disappointing. But then I got my law school diploma and it was fuckin' huuge. Still sort of disappointing, because what I've always REALLY WANTED was a large diploma in Latin, saying something like, "COLLEGIUM PERIODISUM ET COLLEGIUM ARTE QUAM SCIENTIFICA SUNT UNIVERSITATI WISCONSINIS MADISONIUM CERTIFICARE QUE..."

But no. My UW Diploma was tiny, my Miami diploma is large, and both the damn things are in English. Booo-ringggg. I also got my Certificate of Admission to the Florida Bar the other day, and figured, "hell, I should probably get this shit framed..." And so I did.

And thank god I caught Michael's Frame 3 Things, Get them 70% off! I saved five hunnit bucks, and only spent like 240 bucks to get three things framed! SCORE!

Thought I'd pass along the message. Get your shit in before November 12th and get three things framed and it's 70% off your total order... which is a REALLY good deal.

I love to give savings.