TEN MINUTES TO BLOG

I have to clean my kitchen/living room because Amy might be coming tomorrow and right now it's a frightful mess.

But I want to blog about things! First, how I think the South is scary. Cuz I'm Jewish. And Gay. And afraid of Evangelical Christians, who, I feel like, are sometimes outwardly sweet, and inwardly evil.

Ooh. But I started my Stained Glass class today! (God... I'm really not this much of a queen... am I?!) And that should invite LOTS of fodder for blogs. Like how it's going to cost me well over 400 dollars to make a crappy fan lamp I won't even like. (Especially because the Cuban Queen who's the class "Helper" kept looking at the designs I chose... you know... the only ones that weren't Balloons, or Rainbows...or Dolphins... or Ducks... and saying "OOooh.. joo gonna have soom hard tine doin' dat one!" "Oooh, ees wery harr' to caht dee pointy end." "Ooh, dee Peacock is too cooomplicated!" (Mother. Fucker. I loved that fucking Art Deco Peacock. I would have torn that shit up!)

CHRIST. All I wanted to do was use my $200 bucks in Tuition, and my $200 kit of tools (I could have bought a crappy one for eighty dollars, but if you're gonna go, go big, or go home.) to make something I would have actually LIKED, but I guess that's not gonna happen.

So, instead, I'll make a $400 fan lamp. And probably detest it. Maybe I'll give my amazingly expensive gift to my mom, with explicit instructions that she had damn well better treasure it for the rest of her days, and pass it down to my progeny.

I will have never, ever given such an expensive gift.

Fucking class.

What else? I'm about 25 years younger than the rest of my classmates, which is awkward. We don't really talk. There's Grace, and Steve, and Monica, the Cuban Woman that was late, because J...something the instructor who I like (Fat lady from Michigan, I'm guessing based on reading her Apron, with a horrible barking Benji dog named Cocoa, and a three-year's broken stove, a Brother that founded the shop in 1970 and died in 1997, and, it sounds like, a few husbands that left her and maybe some kids? Oh, and an obsession for all things working with glass, including blowing it) didn't call Monica to remind her to come to class... and there's the lady with red hair who kept answering her telephone during class, which annoyed the shit out of me, because it's like... you're at a class. Turn your damn phone off, woman...who had scrubs in her car...

What'd we learn today? We learned the different types of glass there are... machine rolled and hand rolled (more expensive), and antique blown (most expensive), and opalescent, and cathedral, and we learned how to score and break glass (I'm a natural) without wearing eye protection (I'm convinced Monica popped glass into my right eye) OR GLOVES (I'm convinced I'm now tracking glass shards everywhere I go) and we learned how to... what's that word? Groze. We learned how to groze glass with our grozing pliers (I'm not a very good grozer... grozing is nibbling away at a curved cut of glass...)

All told, however, I didn't get to cut nearly as much glass as I would have preferred. And J kept talking over the discouraging Cuban Queen Helper, and there was just too much going on all the time. I just wanted some quality grozing and cutting time, but alas, I think we spent about 15 minutes cutting glass out of the two hours we were there. You know, beause cutting is going to be one of those "unuseful skills," whereas knowing the history of leading glass, when we're using the Tiffany's foil method, is totally useful.

I guess I'm a Stained Glass nerd now.

And it's been 13 minutes, so I have to go clean...

Please stop laughing at me.