Dear Tic Tacs:

Dear TicTacs:

That new commercial you have, where the girl is juggling the Tic-Tacs with her tongue and gets on the elevator? (I know, sounds REALLY dumb when you think about it, right?)

Well, I can tell they're European. And it distracts me.

I'm fixated on the fact that they look...different...than normal people do. Americans...LOOK different. We're less -- angular? Those people are clearly not from America. Maybe the Netherlands? Czechoslovokia? Slovenia? Somewhere I feel like people smell sort of bad...

Anyway... they don't say anything in the commercial, and they look diffferent.

And yeah, I remember that the commercial is for Tic-Tacs and it's effective that it stuck with me, but, it leaves me with a...German taste in my mouth. Yeah, they're attractive, but in a strained, European sort of way.

Is that a good thing? I'd say no. You look at the people, and then, of course, you think about whether you'd have sex with them (you do, don't lie.), and then you think, Uncircumsized men, and women with hairy armpits and hairy legs and B.O. Not minty fresh breath.

And then, you think about when the last time you went to Europe was, and God, it's been like four years or something, when before you were going once and twice a year...

And then you're annoyed that the Mint commercial made you realize how pointlessly busy the last few years have been, when you could have been flying off to the Loire Valley or the Azores like before... and you don't foresee any time in the immediate future when you can do such a thing, and then you're glum.

Back to the drawing board, you go. I hate you, Tic-Tacs. Orbitz only for me from now on.

On Pickles:

Many of you out there may be wondering: What's the best bottled pickle available in my Grocer's refrigerated case (except if you live in Georgia, in which case...in the refrigerated cases of every grocer except the ones in your state...)

Well, friends, I have the answer to that. There are two types of pickles that bear notice:

1) Bubbie's Pickles. These pickles KICK ASS. They're tangy and garlicky and spicy. Really amazing pickles. Crispy, un-fermented, but pickled. Definitely a fantastic sandwich pickle.

2) Ba-Tempte half-sours. These are what you WANT to be on the table at Wolfie's Rascal House. They're salty and garlicky, and most importantly, FIZZY! They're slightly fermented, so when you bite into them, you get the sensation that you're drinking a glass of hard cider. Or, you know... a fermented pickle.

Remember, shake your pickles well.

Oh, and football, boobies, and poop.