Ask me who I hate, and I'll tell you "Diane Keaton!"

And I'm not Alone!

Liz Smith at the Washingtonpost hates her too!!!

"We don't like Paris Hilton. We like hating Paris Hilton. With every tawdry update about the celebutante's exploits, we are reveling in our shared contempt...Still, there is just something about the fashion-challenged, whiny, goggle-eyed woman that I find maddening. And no, beyond these superficial criticisms, I just can't seem to put my finger on what is it about Keaton that bothers me...back to Diane Keaton. Every time I see an ad for her new chick flick "Because I Said So," I am spellbound -- I can no sooner turn away than leave a scab unpicked. The sight of Keaton -- in a series of awful outfits -- playing the overbearing mother hen to a flock of 20-something daughters, discovering online sex and ultimately finding love is almost too much to bear. I can't wait for the DVD."

I hate Diane Keaton too. I don't know why. I loathe her. Whenever I see her, I get these flashbacks to early 80s fondue parties, where my parents would rub a wooden salad bowl with Garlic, and dump in Salad Dressing and Croutons from Eddie's... and I'm enveloped in the stink of adults drunk off red wine, and Pate and ceasar salad, and raclette... while I play with matchbox cars on the floor, in brown courderoy overalls and a red turtleneck, and said big words to make the adults laugh and call me "precocious."

Ugh. Everyone was always in Courderoy and turtlenecks.

There's something about Diane Keaton... I just place her there with my parents, drinking and eating pretentious late 70s food, smelling of pate and wood-stove fires, and Lowenbrau from Well's Liquor Store, and a nice 1976 Chateaux Whatever... Then puttering back home to some Roland Park Victorian Summerhome in a 1980 BMW.

In her movies, she always has these problems I can NEVER relate to. Boo-hoo-hoo... she lives in a five bedroom Apartment on Park Avenue, and her Seven-Bedroom Cape Cod in the Hamptons needs new wooden shingles. Wah-wah-wah.

Fuck you, Diane Keaton. Fuck you in the eye.