I'm a little slow today. I just switched to Sanka. So...have a heart?

Tuesday, June 14, 2005


Before I start this blog, I would like to send a shout-out and best wishes to my friend Mike on his recent engagement to one of the bangin'est girls I know, Vanessa. Mazel tov guys, I'm so happy for you, and this is going to be the most FUNNEST! WEDDING! EVER! Is it in CT? Sara and I are stoked for you guys.

And now onto my topic. This is going to be short, because I'm tired and impatient.


I remember the good ole days, when stamps were three for a dollar and some change! Twenty-nine cent-a-roos. Times were good back then. Full House was still on t.v. and producing new episodes. Hell, all of T.G.I.F. was in full swing. We had Balkey and Cousin whatever his name was..Larry having zany adventures every Friday night. You could still get a McDLT at McDonald's. I had to go to Schul two Fridays per month, and hand in my Schul cards to prove that I could have a Bar-Mitzvah. Oh, yeah, and it wasn't prohibitively expensive to send things out via the U.S. Postal Service. And then everything changed. Suddenly, I think it went up to like 33 cents to send things out. Okay, still not that bad, no big deal...still 3 for a dollar...I can handle that. Yessiree, that's alright...just keep breathing, and it's all gonna be a-okay!

And then came 34 cents.

And my world came crashing down.

No longer could I follow the trials and tribulations of Stephanie Tanner. The McDLT (The hot stays hot! The Cool Stays Cool!) was replaced by the McLean Deluxe, which was not named after a Virginia D.C. suburb... I don't even want to say this last part... Donna Reed went off of Nick-At-Night.

I need a moment to re-compose myself.

Okay, I'm back.

Now, I'm not going to lie. I liked those blue stamps they came out with to make up for the one cent price increase. They were pretty, and my letters and bills looked like they were going to travel to some far and exotic place like Budapest or Sao Paolo, or the Yang-Tze river valley. Mailing bills and pen pal letters to Cheju-do, Korea was even more fun, now that I got to put multiple stamps on things! Images of pith helmets and monocles and long telescopes, and well-worn steamer trunks, crossing sepia-colored maps of the African continent swam through my head. Passport pages filled with stamps, as a nib pen dipped into an inkwell and scratched out another postcard: "Cairo Magnificent. Pyramids truly a tribute to the triumph of man. Barkley dead and left in Dahomey. Sphinx' mysterious smile reminds me of yours my darling; Hope to steam home by Mid-November. Quinine has cured the mal-aria." The shrill whistle of an Indian steam locomotive piercing the air, as an engine huffs and hisses into the orange dusty air of New Delhi, humanity clinging precariously to the outsides of the laden train... you get the idea. Multi-stamps were exciting!

And then it came to this. Thirty seven cents per stamp. Seven dollars and forty cents for 20 stamps.

When I griped to Dan about this he said, "Isn't it amazing?! You can send a letter from Alaska to the Virgin Islands for 37 cents!" I'm sure he was being facetious. That part of the U.S. Postal service is admirable. But here's my beef. I want to send most of my mail in a 10 mile circle. TEN MILES. THIRTY SEVEN CENTS FOR TEN MILES?! I mail out a lot of stuff now. 17 thank you letters at a time, in some cases. It's almost worth my time and energy now to hand deliver my letters. They'll get there faster, I won't have spent 7.40 in gas, and I won't be greeted by the cheery souls at the University of Miami Contract Location Post Office, where trying to get a smile out of one of the surly employees is, quite possibly, harder than getting blood from a stone.

Oh, and did I mention that it would probably take just as long for me to drive from Coral Gables downtown, hand deliver the letters, and drive back, as it would to wait in line at that ghastly-second-only-t0-the-DMV-for-slowness-and-begrudging-work-ethic dark corner of the Gables campus to purchase my book of overpriced stamps.

Like...even if I could just have an account with the post office, that'd be cool. I could put a customer ID number on the front of my letters with a fingerprint or something, and just drop my shit in the mailbox, and then, they'd just send me monthly invoices, which I'd pay! Yeah, I know. I could just get a Pitney-Bowes machine, but who has space for that? Ugh. Stamps. Yet another one of those little ministerial pains-in-the-ass that eat 45 minutes out of your day, and ten bucks out of your pocket.